


I'm still all alone and I need you now

by BurnInFlames



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bipolar Ian, Canonical Character Death, Established Relationship, M/M, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-06
Updated: 2016-07-02
Packaged: 2018-07-12 17:07:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7114744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnInFlames/pseuds/BurnInFlames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Monica kills herself Ian goes into a depressive phase after his meds stop working.  He finds himself on the same bridge Monica killed herself and he sees no other way out and since he doesn't know what to do he calls Mickey in the middle of the night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I wasn't sure about posting this even though I have it finished and am working on the final chapter for it. It deals with Ian in a depressive phase. Even though I really hate writing about bipolar because I dont know a lot about it, this idea would not leave me alone until I wrote it. I've had depression and been suicidal but not bipolar depression which I've heard is much worse. Since I don't know how much worse I am just using my own experience of depression and I hope it comes across as realistic.
> 
> This short story is completely not related to canon, it has its own back story which will be shown in flashbacks in the chapters and I have them written in Italics so the Italics are flashbacks only.
> 
> There is also triggers for suicide attempt in the story.
> 
> Finally I know there is probably no ninety foot bridges in Chicago, I'm not from there so I dont know. But there is one not far from where I live and its also known as suicide bridge as people have killed themselves on it by jumping off it into the river which sort of triggered my idea for this story.

Ian stood on the top the bridge and stared down at the dirty water of the river wondering how long it would take to reach the bottom if he jumped off. He could feel the pull of the water calling to him the more he stared at it and he felt like it was inviting him down to its watery depths. He calculated that it must have been a ninety foot drop from the bridge down to the water and he knew it would do the job and end his misery for good.

He stared at the water letting out a sad sigh hating that he was all alone especially now that Monica had jumped off this very bridge and killed herself a month ago during one of her depressive episodes. Ever since his diagnosis he felt like his life had ended, his family looked and treated him differently and compared him to Monica. It was even worse now since Monica killed herself because he saw all the nervous looks his family threw his way just waiting for him to snap and follow in her footsteps.

He hated that they gently moved around him walking on eggshells just waiting for him to snap and do something crazy. He even hated that they looked at him like he was crazy. Ian just felt like he was broken and he didnt know how to put himself back together again. It was why he was now standing on the bridge in the middle of the night while the world around him slept not knowing the turmoil going on in his head.

He could see the lights of the streets and buildings reflect off the river's surface and it just lured him into a trance. Ian really hated that he could hear the whispers of his family when they thought he couldnt hear their words of how much he was like Monica. They all knew including himself that he was the most like Monica and he really hated that now he was exactly like her because of his bipolar disorder.

He just felt he was a burden on them and he hated that he was the reason for them walking around him like he would break into a thousand pieces if they said or did something wrong. Ian hated that they had all starting treating him differently, like they were afraid of him and he hated that he was the reason why all they did now was worry and that he had now become a burden.

Ian moved to sit on the wall of the bridge with his legs dangling over the edge as he took out his phone deciding that tonight he was ending it for good. There was only one thing left to do and it was call Mickey and he knew what he was going to say to his boyfriend of four years.

 

* * *

 

 

Mickey woke up in bed when he heard his phone ring on the small table and he was going to kill the person on the other end for waking him up in the middle of the night. He opened his eyes and reached for the phone with his hand noticing it was Ian calling him and then he realized Ian wasnt in the bed beside him and hadnt been since the bed was cold which meant Ian had been gone for a while.

He answered the phone blurting out sleepily "Ian where the fuck are you" curiously. There was a silence before Ian shakily blurted out "I'm at the bridge" softly. Mickey sat up knowing he was at the bridge where Monica killed herself and he started to panic replying "why" firmly. He could tell Ian was crying when he heard the redhead sniff before replying "I love you but I cant do this to you all anymore, youre all better off without me" in a broken voice.

Mickey ran his hand through his hair more awake now replying "I'm not" firmly. Ian smiled to himself expecting that response replying "its not fair to you, you shouldnt have to put up with this, if I die you will move on and find someone better and forget about me" sadly. Mickey shook his head knowing where this was going and he hated that Ian was going to kill himself all because his family were treating him like Monica.

Mickey got out of the bed and put the phone on speaker and put it back on the table as he quickly got dressed shouting back "I wont forget about you, dont do this to me Ian please" firmly. Ian softly laughed in dispair as his face was wet with tears replying "I dont see any other way out" sadly. Mickey muttered "fuck" softly. When Mickey finished getting dressed and put his shoes on his grabbed his phone and taking it off speaker and putting it to his ear as he walked out of their bedroom they had been sharing for the last few years.

Mickey grabbed his coat and keys and left the house telling Ian in a pleading tone "I'm coming to you right now, I know where you are but it will take me twenty minutes to get there since I have to walk, just hold on for me please" firmly. Ian shook his head with a soft smile sadly replying "I dont think I can but I'll try, I just dont see the point of trying anymore, everyone hates me" softly.

Mickey ran down the street in the direction of the bridge replying "I dont hate you" breathlessly. Ian knew Mickey was running to him tearfully replying "I know but I love you too much to put you through this, its better to do it now, my family are just waiting for me to do it, they hate me" sadly. Mickey knew Ian was getting worse and he was actually afraid blurting out "shit" as he ran faster.

They both stayed on the line as Ian listened to the quick footfall on the other end of the phone and it was the only thing making him hold on right now but he could even feel that lifeline starting to slip away. Ian looked off into the distance still able to hear Mickey's heavy breathing and fast running and he didnt know how much time had passed when Mickey told him "just wait, I'm nearly there, I cant fucking run and talk at the same time, I'm hanging up now but just wait please" breathlessly.

Mickey hung up the phone and Ian put it back into his pocket. Ian softly laughed as he looked out over the water hoping Mickey wasnt too far away from him and his wish was answered when he eventually heard the pounding footsteps getting closer. Ian cried harder hating that everything felt like shit lately and he didnt know what to do anymore knowing he had nothing to live for anymore.

And even though a small voice in the back of his mind told him he had Mickey, the other voices in his head that told him everyone hated him and he would be better off dead were much stonger. Mickey ran around the corner and saw Ian sitting on the wall of the bridge with his legs dangling over the edge and it just made him run faster even though his lungs felt they were about to cave in and stop working.

He slowed down to stop and grabbed Ian's arm staring at him blurting out "I'm here, think I made it in ten minutes as opposed to twenty but I'm here now" softly. Ian was broken from his thoughts when he felt a hand on his arm and he looked to see Mickey staring at him with panic on his face as he got his breath back. Ian sadly smiled blurting out "I didnt think you would come" softly.

Mickey swallowed the lump in his throat trying to breathe normally before replying "I always will so dont fucking say that" firmly. Mickey moved to sit on the wall with a leg on each side ready to grab Ian if something happened but he hoped it wouldnt get to that point. Mickey sat pressed against Ian's side wrapping his arm protectively over Ian's waist and resting his other hand on the back of Ian's neck.

Ian softly sighed letting his eyes close taking comfort in the touch and smell of the person he loved so much even though what he was about to do was so selfish but he really didnt see any other way out. Mickey felt his heart racing as he looked Ian up and down with a concerned expression asking "talk to me Ian please" softly. Mickey wanted nothing more than to just pull Ian back off the edge but he knew Ian needed to work his way through this on his own so he decided he would only take action at last minute if it came to it but he hoped it wouldnt come to that point.

There was tense silence as Ian stared off into the distance before blurting out "I dont think my meds are working anymore, I can feel it, I've been feeling off for days" softly. Mickey wanted to say so we will get them changed but he had a feeling there was more to it so remained silent. Ian added "ever since Monica killed herself I just cant help think I will do the same someday or that maybe it would be better off if I did it now and just did everyone a favor, its not like they would miss me" sadly.

Mickey lightly squeezed the back of Ian's neck as he rested his forehead on Ian's shoulder forcing back his own tears knowing he needed to be strong for Ian right now. Mickey hated that he missed the signs, ever since Monica had killed herself Ian had been upset for days. But he thought it was just normal grieving so didnt read too much into it and now he wished he had because if he had they wouldnt be sitting on the bridge in the middle of the night.

Mickey looked back up at Ian replying "I'd miss you" firmly. Ian looked at him with a watery smile replying "I'd miss you too" softly. Mickey scoffed asking "so why do this to me, if you jump I'm going with you" sadly. Ian looked at his boyfriend and saw he meant it whispering "you really would" curiously. Mickey softly smiled replying "fucking right I would, youre not leaving me in this shithole of a world alone" firmly.

Ian looked down replying "I hate that youre stuck with me" sadly. Mickey angrily replied "well I'm not stuck with you, we already had this conversation, I want you with me, we're fucking family, you, me, us and all that shit" firmly. Ian shook his head looking down at the water knowing Mickey was right replying "my other family hate me, they just make me feel like shit" sadly. Mickey looked down at the water feeling sick as he thought the drop must have been at least a hundred feet as he replied "they dont matter" firmly.

Ian remained silent as Mickey asked "tell me what happened, what they fuck did they do this time" angrily. Mickey really hated Ian's family sometimes, he hated that they made Ian feel like shit all the time and he was going to give them all a piece of his mind when this was over. Ian sniffed again and rubbed his nose with the sleeve of his hoodie replying "they think I'm Monica, all they do is walk around on eggshells waiting for me to have another psychotic episode or a manic one or just get all depressed and do a Monica and slit my wrists during dinner" sadly.

Mickey lightly squeezed Ian's shoulder urging him to continue and Ian did adding "I overheard them when I was at the house two weeks ago when I was upstairs and they thought I was still in the bathroom but I wasnt, I was at the top of the stairs when I heard them" softly. Ian fell silent softly shaking his head as the memories of the conversation replayed in his mind.

 

_**Three weeks earlier** _

_Ian had gone back over to his old house to see his family. He was trying not to let Monica killing herself get to him but what was getting to him more was the way his family were starting to treat him like he was made of glass and was ready to break at any moment. The only reason he had gone back to the house at all was because he wanted to show that he was stronger than Monica. He wanted to show that he had control of his disorder and that he had no intention of following in the same path as Monica._

_When he had finished in the bathroom upstairs and was about to go down to talk to Fiona when he heard his name come up and he knew she was talking about him with his brother. Ian quietly moved to the top of the stairs but remained hidden behind the wall so he couldnt be seen from downstairs but he could still hear everything. In the kitchen Fiona was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee and newspaper in front her as she asked Lip "you think Ian is okay" curiously._

_Lip_ _was making some lunch to eat as he looked at her replying "I dont know, he doesnt really talk to me anymore, spends all his time with Mickey and Mandy now" softly. Fiona let out a sad sigh rubbing her face with her hand replying "when did it all go to shit, just when I thought it would be okay something like this happens" angrily. Lip shrugged putting his food on a plate and sat at the table in front of her replying "I know" in agreement._

_Fiona looked at him asking "he doesnt talk to you at all" firmly. Lip ate his food replying "no, Ian's always been secretive, he is just worse about it now, back before his dignosis I could get it out of him eventually but he is fort knox now" firmly. Fiona took a drink of her coffee hating that she felt like she failed Ian in some way and Lip seemed to notice the look on her face adding "its not your fault Fiona, blame Monica's shitty genetics, could have been any one of us" firmly._

_Fiona shook her head replying "yeah but why him, he's a good kid, if anything it should have been me" firmly. Lip didnt say anything more so they fell into silence before Fiona asked "you think Mickey would know anything or Mandy" curiously. Lip laughed replying "good luck with that, you think he would tell us anything and I know Mandy wouldnt either, they only care about Ian and last time I asked they both told me to fuck off" icily._

_Fiona sighed knowing he was right replying "yeah them two are his best friends so of course they wouldnt, who knew Milkovich's could be so fucking loyal" firmly. A tense silence fell before Fiona blurted out "I just dont know how to act around him anymore, I dont know if he is going to manic again or have another depressive episode, I just wish he was still living here so I could check if he is taking his meds, I hate not knowing and I cant ask Mickey because he will tell me to fuck off and then tell Ian" softly._

_Lip nodded in agreement replying "same here and it will be obvious if we show up to their doorstep" softly. Fiona sighed letting out "should never have let him leave" angrily. Lip disagreed replying "we arent his keepers Fiona, that shit was why he left in the first place" firmly._

_Another silence fell as Fiona bit her lip and looked around the kitchen replying "I know but we got to do something, he wont talk to us" firmly. She futher added "you think he is going to do a Monica and kill himself, he's been acting weird for weeks" firmly._

_Lip looked at her replying "maybe he is just grieving, he was always closer to her than we were" softly. Fiona scoffed replying "yeah closer to her in more ways than one unfortunately" cruelly. Lip softly laughed replying "that's mean, how do you it wont be you next or me" firmly. A silence fell as they both hoped that wouldnt happen but knowing their luck it probably would but they pushed those thoughts away._

_Fiona took another drink of coffee before asking "you think Mickey knows he is acting wierd" curiously. Lip shrugged replying "cant imagine a Milkovich talking or listening much but maybe, I dont know" dismissivly. Fiona laughed replying "why do you hate them so much" lightly. Lip knew why but he wouldnt tell her so he shrugged replying "dont know" softly. Fiona asked "you think Ian will do a Monica and kill himself" curiously._

_Lip replied "dont know" softly. Fiona just knew she needed to fix it but she didnt even know where to start. Lip blurted out "you think maybe we should have him comitted again just to be on the safe side, we call them up and say he is a danger to himself and others, they have to take him for three months dont they" curiously. Fiona looked at him in suprise seeing he was serious replying "youre fucking serious, he would kill us for it so would Mickey and Mandy and then Ian would never talk to us again, we're lucky he still speaks to us after the last time we tried to do it, he would probably leave the state for good, I dont want to lose my brother over this shit so quit it with that plan" angrily._

_Lip backed off shaking his head replying "whatever but we got to do something" softly. Fiona shook her head replying "I know but there has to be other options and if there isnt then maybe that's a last resort option but if we do that then we'll have to get through Mickey first and he wont agree with it" firmly. They fell into silence before Fiona asked "so tell me about college" curiously._

_At the top of the stairs Ian heard all he needed to hear and quietly made his way back to his bedroom and closed the door behind him and sat on the bed trying to hold back the tears at what Lip was planning to do. He didnt think Fiona meant it the way his brother did, Fiona was desperate and when she was backed into a corner she made shitty decisions._

_When Ian was sure he had calmed down enough he left the room and went downstairs and walked past Fiona and his brother telling them he was heading out and he didnt miss the guilty expression on their faces and he knew they were wondering if he overheard what they had been talking about. But as he left the house he realized he didnt care if they knew he heard every word of it._

 

**Present day**

Mickey rubbed his hand up and down Ian's back before resting it on the back of his neck noticing that Ian had closed his eyes and leaned into the touch. Ian looked back out into the distance feeling like his world was spinning out of control and he didnt know how to make it stop which was how he had gotten to this point at the bridge.

Ian sighed before adding "Lip told Fiona that maybe they should put me back in the physc ward for a few months against my will, say I'm a danger to myself and others, he asked her if she thought I was going to do a Monica and try to kill myself because I was more like Monica than the rest of them" icily.

Ian bitterly laughed looking back down at the water adding "Fiona gave out shit to him but told him it was a last resort option and that they would have to get past you first" softly. Mickey snorted replying "fucking right they would, like to see them fucking try, they would have to get past Mandy too" angrily. Ian softly smiled shaking his head looking at Mickey replying "yeah" curiously.

Mickey didnt care so he just hugged Ian depsite the awkward way they were sitting and he felt Ian relax against him blurting out "yeah and no one knows it but Mandy is more vicious than I am" firmly. Ian grinned as he looked back out over the water knowing his boyfriend spoke the truth because he had done it before when his family tried to get him commited for longer than the three months when Ian was first diagnosed with his disorder but Mickey put a stop to their plans and Mandy helped too.

They sat in silence until Ian swallowed the lump in his throat adding "they all look at me like they are waiting for me to do something, waiting for me to snap and do something Monica would do, they said Carl and Debbie are scared of me and that they are too" softly. Ian laughed adding "guess I'm proving them right since I'm sitting here" humouredly.

Mickey didnt laugh because he didnt find it funny even though he wanted to say it, he wanted to say why was he letting his family win every time they compared him to Monica. But Mickey knew how much Ian hated his disorder, how insecure he was over it and how much he hated that he was more like Monica than he liked to be and it didnt help that his family treated him like Monica too.

Ian wiped the tears from his eyes silently shaking on the spot whispering "I just fuck everything up, first Mandy and now you" sadly. Mickey hugged Ian tighter replying "we all fuck up" firmly. Ian sadly smiled looked back down at the water replying "but I keep on doing it, nearly killed Mandy too when I was manic" softly. Mickey looked at Ian replying "and she knows youre sorry for that and I know too" firmly.

They fell into a comfortable silence as Ian softly shook his head but Mickey's words didnt make him feel any better especialy after over hearing the cruel words his family had said behind his back they didnt know Ian overheard. Mickey rested his chin on Ian's shoulder pulling himself closer to Ian keeping his arms wrapped around him as he looked out into the distance vaguely hearing some cars passing in the distance.

Ian stared off into the darkness letting out a deep sigh hating the way he felt so torn up whispering "I hate this, I dont know what to do anymore" softly. Mickey blinked back the tears he felt wishing he could make it better and he hated that he couldnt, he couldnt fix this no matter how much he wished he could fix it but he knew Ian was the only one who could do it.

He just didnt know how to make Ian see that so he decided he would just sit here and be there for Ian because it looked like Ian was barely holding on over the last few days. Mickey was just glad that Ian called him instead of plunging to his death below like Monica did a month ago. Ian felt a stray tear slide down his face whispering "I thought I could do this but after Monica and what my family said I dont think I can" softly.

Another silence fell as Ian whispered "this is my life now, everytime I get used to a combination of medications they eventually stop working for whatever reason and then I have to get used to taking them all over again" sadly. Ian added "I've been feeling worse over the last few days and its not because of Monica, I just feel tired all the time and no energy and I can feel the depressive episode coming and I hate it" sadly.

Mickey looked up at Ian replying "and we can get through it, these ones probably need to be adjusted a little, you know I'm not going anywhere" firmly. Ian looked over at Mickey and saw he meant what he said asking "you mean it, even when you said you would jump if I did" curiously. Mickey looked right at Ian replying "I do mean it and you better fucking believe it" firmly.

Ian softly smiled at him before looking away from Mickey and Mickey looked at Ian wanting to ask Ian if he still wanted to jump but he didnt have the nerve to do it so he remained silent. Ian looked into the distance letting out a soft sigh leaning against Mickey noticing that he felt happy right here in this moment. Ian felt there was a calmness in the darkness of the night time that seemed to sooth the whirlwind in his mind and he felt like they were the only two people left in the world or in their own bubble as they sat on the bridge.

Ian wondered how he gotten to this point and thought he didnt want to be without Mickey and he was glad he called him when he did and that Mickey came when Ian needed him. Ian took a deep breath realizing that Mickey would always be there and would never judge him over his disorder the way his family did and Ian started to realize he wasnt alone in this at all. He didnt want to end up proving his family right in that he was just like Monica and even though his family called him another Monica a small part of him just wanted to prove them wrong and show them that he wasnt like Monica.

Ian realized he didnt want to die, he wanted to live and be with Mickey and Mandy, they were the only two that mattered and his family could go and fuck off because they werent his real family anymore. Mickey and Mandy were his real family, they supported him, they were there for him when he needed them and to Ian that was what mattered. Ian shook himself from his thoughts wanting to go home and looked down at his feet and realizing how high up he was he started to panic trying to get away from the edge muttering "oh shit" softly.

Ian nearly slipped as he tried to get back over the wall but Mickey knew Ian was freaking out and was quicker catching Ian and pulling them both backwards so they landed on the footpath flat on their backs. They both sat up and looked at each other silently as Mickey grabbed Ian and Ian grabbed his arms before they both started laughing on the footpath in the middle of the night.

They fell into silence as Ian looked down before whispering "I'm sorry for freaking you out" sadly. Mickey sighed in relief pulling Ian close to him and wrapping his arms around his shoulders hugging him replying "you've nothing to be sorry for, I'm just glad you called me" firmly. Ian nodded his head replying "I just didnt know what to do anymore, I just feel like everyone hates me and if they dont then they should because I hate myself more" sadly.

Mickey looked at Ian replying "I dont hate you, I never could" firmly. Ian looked at him and saw he was serious so he softly smiled replying "I think your the only one who doesnt hate me, you make me feel a little less lost if that makes any sense" in a broken tone. Mickey softly grinned hating that his face was turning red a little but he didnt look away from Ian replying "I know what you mean and you too" softly.

Ian softly smiled at that realizing that Mickey needed him just as much as he needed his boyfriend hating that he nearly did a Monica and killed himself. Ian silently looked around thinking that maybe he could do this just once he had his boyfriend beside him, maybe life wouldnt be so bad if he could just get his life back on track and get Monica out of his head. Ian looked at Mickey asking "can you come to the clinic with me tomorrow" softly.

Mickey bit his lip to stop from grinning replying "yeah" firmly. Ian looked down hesitating "I dont...I dont want to die, I'm just scared I'm going to end up like her" sadly. Mickey grabbed Ian's hand with his own replying "I know but you wont end up like her, but you have to talk to me, you know that the therapist said you need to tell me what you need" softly.

Mickey placed his other hand on the side of Ian's face forcing Ian to look at him adding "you need to tell me whats going on in that pretty head of yours, I cant read your mind" softly. Ian nodded as he softly smiled and looked down knowing that Mickey was right but he just found it so hard to talk about anything related to his disorder. After a few seconds Ian looked up at Mickey asking "you think I'm pretty" humouredly.

Mickey scoffed in disbelief replying "thats what youre taking from what I said" lightly. Ian grinned as Mickey added "you know I fucking do" firmly. Ian shyly smiled feeling the warmth from the compliment before he let out another sigh realizing that he felt cold as he looked at Mickey blurting out "can we go home, I'm cold" softly. Mickey grinned at him replying "yeah, come on, thats what you get for going out without a coat in the fucking middle of winter" firmly.

Mickey stood up and grabbed Ian's hand and pulled him up off the ground. Ian couldnt stop shaking as he stood right up against him and hugged him tightly burying his face in Mickey's neck hating that he nearly ended this by doing something stupid. Mickey hugged Ian back resting his hand on the back of Ian's neck feeling the way Ian was shaking and he didnt think it was from the cold and he was proven right when he heard Ian quietly crying against his shoulder.

Mickey pulled Ian closer to him even though there was no space left between them as he hugged Ian tighter letting him know he was there and wasnt going anywhere and silently looked down the street as he absently rubbed his hand against the back of Ian's neck. Mickey buried his face in Ian's neck breathing in the familiar smell of Ian hating that he nearly lost him tonight and he never felt so glad that Ian called him first.

They didnt know how long they had been standing there on the spot but Mickey felt it had to have been a while since his feet were sore until Ian stopped crying and stepped back and wiped his eyes with his hands before shaking his head signalling he was ready to go home. Mickey softly smiled at Ian and held his hand tightly as they silently walked down the street the whole way back to their house.

They silently went to bed and in the darkness Ian wrapped himself around Mickey and hugged him tightly as he buried his face in Mickey's chest. Mickey hugged him back blurting out "I love you Ian, please remember that" softly. Ian heard it and shook his head as best he could replying "I know, I love you too" softly. Ian held onto those words replaying them in his mind as he slowly fell asleep feeling the exaustion take over his body.

Mickey knew the moment when Ian fell asleep and he let his own tears start to fall knowing that he had to be strong for Ian earlier but now that Ian was asleep he felt those walls just fall to pieces and turn to dust. He really hated that he came so close to losing Ian for good and he knew he meant it when he told Ian he would follow him off the bridge if Ian had went through with committing suicide.

Mickey tightened his grip on Ian scared that he would lose Ian if he let go for just a second and he didnt sleep at all that night swearing to himself he would get answers at the clinic tomorrow because he was never letting Ian get this bad again. His worst fear nearly came true and he hated that he nearly lost Ian for good so he silently promised it wouldn't happen and he would make sure of it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More sadness, it mainly deals with how Ian is feeling after trying to kill himself so there may be some triggers.

The next morning Mickey walked into the kitchen to see Mandy at the table eating some eggs and drinking some coffee. Mickey poured himself some coffee well aware that Mandy was looking at him when he snapped "what" angrily. Mandy rolled her eyes knowing he got some last night glaring at him replying "you look like shit, Ian keep you up all night again giving it to you" before laughing. Mickey raised his middle finger as he glared at her before making some eggs for himself and Ian.

When Mandy saw her brother ignore her she knew something was wrong asking "something happen" in a concerned tone. Mickey shrugged his shoulders as he looked towards his and Ian's bedroom before looking at Mandy softly replying "Ian nearly killed himself last night, called me in the middle of the fucking night to tell me he was at the bridge Monica jumped off a few weeks ago" softly. Mandy was shocked and couldnt hide it replying "fuck, he okay" softly.

Mickey bit his lip before taking a drink of coffee before replying "he doenst think so, asked me to go to the clinic with him today" softly. Mandy sighed blurting out "shit, cant believe I missed it, I should have known something was wrong, I just thought he was sad Monica was dead" softly. Mickey shook his head hating that he missed it too looking at his sister replying "yeah same here" softly.

A silence fell as Mandy finished off her food before Mickey added "I think his family wanting to get him hospitalized again didnt help, he over heard them talking about it the other week" angrily. Mandy scoffed shaking her head retorting "self righteous fucking Gallaghers, I fucking hate them except Ian" icily. Mickey snorted a laugh replying "yeah Ian's the only decent one out of them all and the only one I can stand" lightly.

Mandy rolled her eyes drinking her coffee replying "same here anyway he's practically a Milkovich now fucks sake, how long is he living here" humordely. Mickey softly laughed replying "fuck knows, since before Terry got killed probably which was years ago" firmly. Mandy laughed but never got to say anything as Ian walked into the kitchen half dressed in tracksuit bottoms blurting out "hey" shyly.

They both looked at Ian and saw how pale and sullen his face was and how exausted he looked and how much sadness there was in his eyes. Mandy stood up and walked over to him and tightly hugged him and Ian knew she knew what went down last night as he hugged her back whispering "I'm okay" softly. Mandy leaned back to look at him replying "dont scare me like that asshole" firmly. Ian looked down blurting out "Mickey told you" softly.

Mandy rubbed her hand up and down his arm replying "yeah just talk to me next time" softly. Ian shook his head replying "yeah" softly. Mandy accepted his answer replying "good" before sitting back down and drinking the rest of her coffee. Ian looked at her replying "I'm sorry Mandy" shyly.

Mandy softly smiled at him trying but failing to keep the emotion out of her voice replying "I'm not mad, I just wish you would see that we need you too and your family can go fuck off, youre our family now so you cant leave us here alone" softly.

Ian shook his head hating the swirling guilt in his stomach as Mickey glared at Mandy telling her "quit making him feel like shit" angrily. Mandy sighed as she kept looking at Ian replying "I'm not and I dont mean to make you feel like shit Ian, I just meant that youre important to us so dont think that you arent because you are" firmly.

Ian looked at her and saw that she meant it replying "thank you" shyly. Mandy looked down at her hands wrapped around her coffee mug wondering if she should tell Ian she was in that place before that he was in last night. She let out a sigh as she blurted out "I get it, I've been there in that place where you feel like there is no way out and that everyone would be so much better off if you just died, that youre worth nothing to anyone and no one would miss you or care if you disappeared, that you would be doing everyone a favor if you just died, you would no longer feel like you dont belong and wouldnt be a burden on anyone" sadly.

Ian looked at her knowing that she did get it and when she looked right him he asked "does it get easier, I mean will I ever stop feeling like this" curiously. Mandy softly smirked but it was gone as quick as it was there as she looked at him replying "a little bit, I'm not saying it gets to sunshine and rainbows but you get to a place where you can just about tolerate yourself, I dont know what its like for someone with bipolar but it feels that way for me, I dont want to die anymore, ever since Terry got killed I realized I dont need to be afraid anymore, I wont let him control my life anymore, but all you can do is try Ian, dont let Monica and your family make you feel like shit over something you never asked to have" softy.

Mickey silently watched the two of them wondering how he never knew that about Mandy but then they never really talked about stuff like that until Ian came into their lives. Mickey was curious blurting out "how do you know what its like" firmly. Mandy rolled her eyes looking at her brother replying "you know what Terry was like, he beat on all of us, he raped me one night and the next time he tried it I was ready and had a gun aimed at his face when he came into my room, fucker backed off and never tried it when you or Iggy was around, that was the first time he tried it and after that night I started staying over at Ian's when there was no one here" firmly.

Mickey felt the anger build in him as he ran his hand through his hair in frustration asking "why the fuck didnt you tell me" angrily. Mandy bitterly laughed replying "and what would you have done, got yourself thrown in jail with his ass, I didnt want you or Iggy in jail either because of that asshole" firmly. Mickey remained silent shrugging his shoulder knowing she had point as he looked at Ian mumbling "thanks for doing my job" shyly.

Ian looked at him replying "seem to remember you staying over plenty of times too" softly. Mickey knew Ian was right but he still felt like he failed his sister in a way because he couldnt protect her from his father because he was too busy trying to save his own ass making sure Terry never found about about him being gay. A silence fell as Mickey took two plates of eggs and put them on the table before getting some coffee and sitting down beside Ian feeling glad that the three of them had been friends for a long time which meant they both had Ian to go to when they needed somewhere to get away from Terry for a while.

Ian sighed looking down at his hands replying "its just hard, I hate this, I hate feeling like this" in a broken voice. Mandy reached across the table resting her hand on top of Ian's replying "I know it is but you have to try and you have us" firmly. Ian looked up at her and then over at Mickey before looking back down at the table knowing she was right but he didnt think he was strong enough to get to that place where he felt okay.

He looked at Mandy as she spoke again "besides your an honorary Milkovich, we dont give up so easily" humoredly. Ian softly laughed as Mickey interjected "fucking right you are" lightly. Ian softly laughed and he felt slightly better wondering how both Mandy and Mickey always seemed to make everything better when he felt like his whole world had turned to shit. Ian sighed as he ate some of his food and took his meds even though he was sure they werent working anymore.

Mandy and Mickey didnt look at Ian as he took his combination of meds knowing that Ian hated when attention was drawn to the fact he needed medication to function properly. They ate their breakfast in silence and Mandy couldnt take it anymore blurting out "so your family want you hospitalized again, I hope you told them to fuck off" angrily.

Ian softly smiled as he played with the food on his plate replying "no, just walked out of there, said I had stuff to do, wouldnt suprise me if they come over later to take me away" softly. Mandy scoffed angrily replying "like to see them fucking try" icily. Mickey softly laughed looking at Ian replying "told you" softly. Ian looked over at him and shyly smiled before eating the rest of his food.

Mandy finished off her coffee as she looked at Ian asking "you going to the clinic today about the meds" curiously. Ian looked up at her shaking his head replying "yeah" softly. Mandy grinned at him replying "good, got to start somewhere right" firmly.

Ian shook his head in agreement but didnt say anything more thinking that maybe Mandy was right in that he just needed to start again. A comfortable silence fell before Mandy stood up and put her plate and empty cup in the kitchen sink blurting out "got to get to work, see you later losers" lightly before walking out of the kitchen.

The front door slammed shut behind Mandy before Mickey put his hand on Ian's shoulder and lightly squeezed it as he looked at Ian asking "you okay" softly. Ian softly smiled as he looked at the table wondering if he ever would be but he knew Mandy was right, he needed to try and he couldnt give up.

He also realized that while his family couldnt see past his disorder that he didnt need that negative shit in his life if he was to try and get stable. He looked up at Mickey replying "I will be just once youre here and Mandy too" hesitantly. Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's head lightly pulling on Ian's hair replying "we arent going anywhere so just tell us what you need instead of scaring the shit out of me" firmly.

Ian softly smiled but it didnt reach his eyes before he replied "I'm sorry for last night, I didnt mean to scare you but its just hard feeling like this" softly. Mickey shook his head knowing that Ian was still struggling with his diagnosis replying "I know and you dont need to be sorry" softly. Ian slightly shook his head as he looked down at his half eaten breakfast.

Mickey leaned over and kissed the top of Ian's head blurting out "I fucking love you, dont know what I'd do if I lost you" softly. Ian looked up at him and saw the fear in Mickey's eyes replying "I love you too" softly. A comfortable silence fell before Ian blurted out "lets finish breakfast and get to the clinic" softly. They finished the rest of their breakfast in silence before getting ready and leaving the house to walk to the clinic.

 

* * *

That night when Mandy came home from work she found Mickey sitting on the sofa watching the television with a bottle of beer. She went and got changed out of her work clothes into more comfortable clothes and sat on the sofa beside him with a bottle of beer asking "Ian go to the clinic" curiously. Mickey looked over at her replying "yeah got new meds so he will be laying low for a few days, he's in bed sleeping, wanted some space for a few hours" softly not able to hide the sadness in his eyes.

Mandy noticed it but didnt comment asking "what did the doctor say" curiously. Mickey scoffed replying "something about his body reaching a tolerance for the combination and the stress of Monica killing herself and his family trying to get him hospitalized again, I wish they would fucking leave him alone and stop giving him shit all the time" angrily.

Mickey took a drink of his beer adding "also doesnt help that he wont talk about his feelings, his therapist said their sessions werent enough, he needs to talk to us and tell us what he needs but he doesnt" firmly. Mandy scoffed replying "but he wont talk if we push him, his family done that and pushed him away, he never goes over to them anymore so fuck that, we let him come to us, we know him better than those assholes" angrily.

Mickey rubbed his face with his hand in frustration replying "I know but I dont want to become his fucking nanny, he hates that shit, he'll talk when he's ready and I'm not going to push him just because some quack says I need to" angrily. Mandy knew he was right letting out a sigh replying "yeah he will talk when he wants to or is ready" softly. They both remained silent as they watched the rest of the movie but they were both lost in their own thoughts over Ian.

* * *

 

Ian lay in bed silently staring at the wall with his back to the bedroom door under the covers hating that his brain was in a fog and wondered how long it would take for the new medication combination to start working. He regretted telling Mickey to leave him alone when they came home from the clinic but at the same time he wanted to be alone. But now he regretted it because all he did was over think every thought in his head and he didnt know how to put a stop to it.

He was just so tired all the time and he didnt have the energy to get up or call out for Mickey and he also didnt want to burden him either even though Mickey always told him to call him if he needed him. Ian hated that he just felt so depressed and while the meds stopped him from feeling the full brunt of a depressive episode, he still felt depressed.

All he did since he came home and went to bed was think of last night on the bridge and he hated that he scared Mickey so much even if Mickey hid how scared he was last night. Ian knew Mickey would never say it or admit to being scared but Ian knew Mickey's body language and he knew he scared the shit out of his boyfriend along with his best friend Mandy.

In fact Ian knew he scared the shit out of himself now that he just replayed last nights events over and over in his head and he wished he never did it but a small part him wished he finished what he started and he hated that too. He became the one thing he never wanted to become, he became Monica and he hated himself for it. Ian just felt like he wanted to die after Monica killed herself and after over hearing Lip and Fiona say he needed to be hospitalized because they were afraid he would lose his shit and do something Monica would do.

Ian hated that he proved both of them right and it just made him feel so worthless and he felt like he let the two people who actually gave a shit about if he lived or died down. He hated himself for doing that to Mickey and Mandy, he had been through it with Monica when she tried to kill herself over dinner once and Ian hated that he did the same thing last night. It didnt help that he felt useless for not going through with killing himself, he felt like he failed in some way.

The voices in his head told him he was weak, a coward and pathetic because he couldnt even kill himself properly. Ian felt himself start to cry and he wiped the tears from his eyes with his hand before pulling the covers tighter around him so he was cocooned in them and the warmth didnt make him feel any better. It just made him feel worse, he felt more alone than he ever did and he hated that Lip and Fiona looked at him like he was another Monica.

He couldnt see any other way out from this mess that he was in called bipolar disorder. He felt like he was destined to go the same way Monica did and he felt like everyone was just waiting for it to happen, just waiting for him to lose his shit completely. Ian hated that he wouldnt be in control of when that would happen and he felt like it would happen but he wanted to happen under his terms which was probably why he was standing on the bridge in the middle of the night.

But when push came to shove and he did something about it he backed out at the last minute. As he sat there on the wall of the bridge he kept hesitating and he didnt know why, all he could think of was Mickey and Mandy and if they would miss him if he was gone. Some sick part of him wanted to do it and come back as a ghost to see what their reaction would be, what the reaction of his so called family would be too, would they miss him or even care at all.

Ian just wished he could see his life through someone else's eyes and someone else's perspective. Another part of him thought they would all be better off without him, he would be doing them a favor if he killed himself. Lip and Fiona wouldnt have to keep walking on eggshells around him treating him like a time bomb waiting to explode or implode, depends which way you looked at it.

Mickey and Mandy wouldnt be always worrying about medical and therapy bills and running every scam they could think off to pay for it all and not get caught at the same time. They had a few times they nearly did get caught and Ian hated that he was forcing them to do that for him, he hated that he was so reliant on other people. Ian was too used to being so independant and now that he depended on other people he just felt he was burden on everyone and would be better off dead.

He felt they would all be glad he was dead too because it would mean no more walking on eggshells and nearly getting caught for the scams to bring in cash to pay the bills. Ian felt like a rat in a cage most of the time, felt like everyone was looking at him and judging his every move and he hated it, he felt like he lost who he was a person and he didnt know himself anymore. He wondered if the person he was before the disorder kicked in to existance really existed.

That person before the disorder was so distorted and blurred now that he forgot who he was before the bipolar disorder. Ian didnt know who he was anymore and he hated it, the only thing that was his lifeline was Mickey and he knew that was the reason why he kept hesitating on the bridge. But at the same time he felt himself slipping away under that rising tide in his mind that was pulling him under, telling him he would be doing everyone a favor and was better off dead.

Ian didnt know what to do so he called his boyfriend because Mickey always had the answers, he always knew what to do, knew how to fix things, knew how fix the thoughts spinning around in his head when he felt out of control. Ian knew Mickey was the eye of his storm, he calmed everything down and made everything better and Ian didnt want to leave him so he called the only person he knew who could make sense of what was going on in his head.

Ian blinked the tears from his eyes feeling the warm wet patch on the pillow as he replayed Mickey telling him on the bridge that if he jumped he was going with him too because Ian wasnt leaving him here in this world alone. Ian was surprised at those words and it made him feel even worse for making Mickey feel that way but he was also relieved that one person gave a shit if he died but he didnt say that out loud.

His thoughts started to drift to a topic he didnt even want to think about but those thoughts always found their way to surface and he hated it every time they surfaced. It always came back to Monica and he hated it, he hated that she ruined his life, he hated that she came to him a few weeks before she killed herself and asked him to leave with her but Ian said no because his life was with Mickey and Mandy.

He felt like it was his fault that Monica killed herself and it was something he was struggling to deal with, he wondered if he could have stopped her if he knew what she planned to do. Ian started crying even more curling up into himself in the foetal postion feeling his insides twist in dispair wishing he could rip those thoughts from his mind and flush them down the drain where they belonged.

He didnt know how long he had been lying there silently crying when he felt the bed move behind him and he knew it was Mickey straight away. He hadnt even known Mickey was in the room getting ready for bed until Mickey lay behind him and rested a hand on his shoulder asking "Ian" softly.

Mickey was lying down on his side facing Ian who turned around visibly crying with red eyes and shaking as the tears fell from his eyes as he moved closer to his boyfriend. Mickey pulled Ian into a tight hug whispering "shit Ian" softly. Ian wrapped his arms around Mickey pulling himself right up against him and tangling their legs together and burying his head in his chest as he cried some more wishing he could stop feeling so much pain inside because he didnt know how much longer he could put up with it.

Mickey hated that he hadnt come into the room sooner but he learned the hard way to give Ian space when Ian said he wanted to be alone. So now when Ian said he wanted to be alone Mickey respected that, he just wished he had of checked up on him a few times since they came home.

Mickey pulled Ian closer to him even though there was no space left between them grabbing the back of Ian's head and closing his eyes as he softly kissed the top of Ian's head. Mickey let out a soft sigh blurting out "I'm here" softly as he stared at the wall wishing he could fix this, wishing he could take Ian's pain away for good.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just need to mention Terry never catches Mickey and Ian together so Svetlana doesn't exist in the universe of this story and there is some background of how they got together in this chapter.

Ian had eventually fallen asleep and woke up the next morning in the position he fell asleep in to see Mickey silently looking at him and trailing a hand through his hair. Ian softly sighed at the movement feeling his eyes hurt from all the tears he cried last night and he didnt think there was any more tears left to shed. But the sadness still remained although it wasnt as strong as it was last night before he cried himself to sleep.

If anything he just felt drained as if all the emotions he felt had come rushing to surface and pouring out of him like a volcano. Ian closed his eyes when he felt Mickey gently kiss him on the lips before asking "feel any better" curiously. Ian opened his eyes looking at him replying "not really, I dont know, maybe a little bit" in a hoarse voice. Mickey knew he needed to say it, he knew that Ian needed to say what was going on in his head and Mickey was done waiting around for Ian to decide he would talk because he knew it would never happen unless he pushed Ian a little to talk.

Mickey glanced over Ian's blank expression before looking at him asking "you want to talk" curiously. Ian silently looked at him knowing he couldnt keep it bottled up anymore, he didnt want another melt down like last night and the night before and he hated making Mickey worry about him so much. Even though he knew Mickey would never say it Ian knew his boyfriend did nothing but worry about him when he wouldnt talk about what was on his mind and Ian didnt think he could keep up the silence anymore.

Ian sighed before blurting out "its my fault" softly. Mickey almost didnt hear it but he did asking "what is" firmly. Ian shrugged looking over at the door replying "Monica" softly. Mickey scoffed feeling the anger build up retorting "how the fuck was that youre fault" angrily. Ian flinched not at Mickey's anger but because he hadnt woken up properly yet. Mickey noticed it and softened his voice adding "I just dont get how it was, I'm not mad at you, I just dont get how you think it was" softly.

Ian felt his throat dry up and cleared it before replying "a few weeks before she killed herself she came back and asked me to leave with her, she was going to the other side of the country and asked me to go with her, she said there was no life for us here and no reason for us to stay because no one wanted us around, that we were just a burden to them" softly.

Mickey narrowed his eyes at Ian but didnt say anything despite the anger he felt towards Monica for saying that to Ian and that Ian never told him about it either. Ian looked at Mickey adding "I told her that my life was here, you were here and that was all that mattered to me, I told her I didnt want to go because I didnt want to leave you and Mandy, that I wanted to be stable and I didnt need her or my family that I had you and Mandy and that was all I cared about so she left" softly.

Ian sadly sighed adding "it was my fault" softly. Mickey disagreed replying "it wasnt, she made her own choice, you didnt know what was going on in her head, she probably forgot all about her conversation with you by the time she killed herself" firmly. Ian nodded knowing it was a good point but it didnt make him feel any better replying "I know but its more than that, she always has a way of getting in my head, she said I was a burden and I just feel like I am all the time" in a broken voice.

Ian swallowed before adding "Fiona and Lip want me hospitalized, they think I'm going to do a Monica and when they find out about the other night they really will do it, I just proved them right" sadly. Ian rubbed his eyes before adding "you and Mandy nearly got caught pulling scams because of me just to pay the med bills, I hate that I made you both do that" sadly.

Mickey grabbed Ian's shoulder with his hand looking at him replying "hey we chose to do that and we only nearly got caught because we did the same scam too many times, you didnt make us do anything so dont blame yourself for it and Lip and Fiona can go fuck off, they wont find out about the other night, I wont tell them and neither will Mandy" firmly. Ian felt his eyes water again so he wiped them with his hand looking downwards replying "at least when you and Mandy look at me you dont see Monica the way Lip and Fiona do, they just think I'm another Monica, they are just waiting for me to do something Monica would do, I know it, they are just waiting for me to lose it completely, all they see is bipolar and that's it" sadly.

Ian sniffed adding "I just dont know who I am anymore, I feel like I'm going to end up like Monica anyway, I always feel like I'm not in control, the other night I just wanted to be in control, if I had to end up like Monica then it would be on my terms and not the bipolar deciding for me, I've no independence anymore because of it" softly. Mickey felt sick but he thought it made sense too since Ian was always the one with a plan, direction and liked to be in control and have his independence but now it was all gone.

Mickey blurted out "what stopped you" curiously. Ian looked up at him hesitantly replying "you, I didnt want to leave you behind, I knew you would know what to do so I called you" in a whisper. Mickey sighed looking at Ian not hiding the hurt in his voice replying "I'm glad you did asshole" softly. Ian looked at him replying "I'm sorry I did that to you, I know whats it like and I still did it" softly. Mickey grabbed Ian's hair lightly pulling on it replying "dont worry about it, its okay now, just call me or wake me up before it gets that bad next time" firmly. Ian shook his head replying "yeah" softly.

A comfortable silence fell as they silently looked at each other lost in their own thoughts. They were interupted when Mandy opened the bedroom door and stood in the doorway when Mickey turned onto his back to glare at her trying but failing to sound angry as he would have liked asking "the fuck do you want" curiously. Mandy looked at both of them and realized she interrupted something but she didnt care as she looked at her brother replying "fuck off asshole" softly.

She looked at Ian blurting out "Fiona and Lip just came over" firmly. Mickey shouted "the fuck do they want" angrily. Mickey was really going to give a beating to Lip one of these days because he was sick of the shit they always tried to pull when it came to Ian. Mickey hated that they could never look or treat Ian like he was his own person but instead they just saw bipolar and then Monica. Mandy shrugged her shoulders replying "wanted to talk to us about getting Ian hopsitalized" softly.

Ian scoffed shaking his head as he moved to lie on his back blankly staring at the celing. Mickey shouted back "the fuck did you tell them" firmly. Mandy scoffed replying "told them no fucking chance, they could ask Ian because its his fucking decision" firmly. Mickey felt the anger drain out of him a little replying "good" softly. Mandy bit her lip before replying "they will probably be back later though to talk to Ian, they asked if you both were here but I said you both left earlier, said I didnt know where you went or when you would be back" firmly. Ian slightly laughed shaking his head in disbelief blurting out "they'll be back" softly.

Mickey looked over at him as he bit his lip and rubbed his face with his hand tiredly before looking at Mandy blurting out "think its time to start locking the doors, there was a day people were too afraid to walk into this house and we didnt have to fucking lock it" softly. Ian laughed looking over at Mickey replying "not me" firmly. Mandy laughed and Mickey scoffed looking at Ian playfully hitting him on the shoulder replying "yeah except fucking you" humouredly.

Ian laughed at that replying "yeah" softly. A silence fell before Ian sighed blurting out "but now they will keep coming back, they didnt want to know before the bipolar or when I was stable but now they are walking on eggshells around me, they are just stressing me out all the time now" sadly. Mandy interjected "maybe you should talk to them, tell them to back off" softly. Mickey interrupted "like that will fucking happen" icily. Ian looked at Mandy replying "they wont listen" softly.

Mandy shrugged replying "then we make them listen, I'll think of something, got to go to work now so see you later" firmly. Mandy shut the door and left the house to go to work and made sure the door was locked before she left. A short silence fell before Ian looked at Mickey asking "you think she will come up with something to make them listen" curiously. Mickey softly laughed looking over at Ian replying "its Mandy, what do you think" firmly.

Ian replied "Lip and Fiona can fight pretty hard" firmly. Mickey scoffed replying "you dont know my sister until you've fought my sister, she'll be fine and so will we" firmly. Ian softly smiled replying "good point" softly. Mickey didnt get what Lip and Fiona's problem was and he hoped they wouldnt come over to their house to try and force Ian to do something he didnt want to do.

Ian turned over onto his side to face Mickey blurting out "I just dont know what to do about them anymore, I'm just waiting for them to start calling me Monica" not hiding the insecurity in his voice. Mickey bit his lip turning to face Ian replying "so prove them wrong, get your shit together, take your meds and work on not being like Monica, you hate her so fucking much then you make sure you arent anything like her, I hated my dad, you think I was or still am anything like him" angrily. Ian softly laughed replying "fuck no, bastard would kill both of us right now if he saw us like this" lightly.

Mickey laughed replying "fucking right he would" firmly. Ian shyly grinned as he blurted out "just as well Mandy was my pretend girlfriend, I mean he knew I was fucking a Milkovich just not the male one" humoredly. Mickey rolled his eyes letting out a snort of laughter replying "yeah thankfully someone done us a favor and murdered him in jail before we got caught" lightly. Ian sighed replying "still cant believe we had to do that, we've been friends since you pissed on first base" softly.

Mickey laughed remembering that day as he sighed resting his hand on the side of Ian's head looking at him silently before replying "we had to, Mandy told me back then that he was starting to ask questions about why me and you hung out together all the time and never had any girls around us, one day he cornered her about it, asked her right out if we were gay and Mandy lied for us, said me and you were best friends and that she was your girlfriend but you both decided not to tell anyone about it" softly.

Ian looked shocked as he didnt know that replying "I knew about pretending she was my girlfriend but not about that bit" softly. Mickey softly smiled replying "she didnt want me to tell you that bit, we did whatever we had to do to survive in this house to protect us and to protect you" softly.

Ian looked down hiding the blush on his face as Mickey added "I would do anything to keep you safe and I'm sorry I had to keep you in the closet with me, I know you hated being a secret but we arent now, it worked out okay didnt it" firmly. Ian shook his head before looking up replying "yeah" softly. Mickey silently pulled Ian in for a hug as Ian remembered all the times they fought over the fact that Mickey had to hide being gay from everyone.

The only people who knew was Ian and Mandy. Ian thought back to when he had come out to Mickey when he was fifteen and Mickey admitted to Ian that he was gay too that same night they got high at the baseball field. Ian didnt know how Mickey would react at the time but Mickey told him that he didnt give a shit because he was gay too so they just laughed and smoked some more weed.

Ian softly laughed at memory as Mickey sleepily asked "whats so funny" softly. Ian opened his eyes pulling himself closer to Mickey as he looked at him replying "thinking about the night I told you I was gay and you said you didnt give a shit because you were too" humoredly. Mickey laughed looking at Ian replying "I wasnt meant to fucking say it, I blame the beer and weed and you" humouredly.

Ian didnt believe it replying "no you wanted to tell me" firmly. Mickey rolled his eyes replying "yeah maybe" softly. Mickey sighed knowing Ian was probably right because Ian had a way of making him blurt out shit he didnt want anyone to know but after that night Mickey didnt mind having no filter when it came to Ian. It worked out okay for them since they got together a year later when Ian was sixteen after finally admitting they had feelings for each other and had been together for the last four years.

Ian smirked knowingly at him replying "at least Mandy helped us keep it secret" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "only because she put two and two together and said we were too obvious or I should say you were too obvious" humoredly. Ian shrugged his shoulder replying "not my fault I love you" softly. Mickey relaxed a bit replying "yeah same here, dont know how we managed to keep Terry from finding out" softly.

Ian grimaced wondering the same thing replying "think Mandy being my pretend girlfriend helped" softly. Mickey knew Ian was right and he was never so glad that Mandy had accepted both of them being gay and together and jumped at the chance to help them keep it a secret. Both of them thought back to that day that Mandy walked in on them lying on the bed in Mickey's room holding hands and smoking some weed and they were never so relieved and so angry at themselves for being too relaxed.

**Four years ago**

_Ian and Mickey had only been together in a relationship for two months and they were already starting to slip and let their guard down but they didnt care because Terry was in jail and it was still a week before he got out so they were making the most of the free time. They were lying on the bed in Mickey's room smoking some weed when Ian asked "when can we tell Mandy, she wouldnt mind" curiously._

_Mickey inhaled the joint looking over at Ian and let the smoke out replying "we dont know that, you dont know if she thinks the same as my dad, what if she does and she tells him, he will kill us Ian" firmly. Ian rolled his eyes taking the joint from Mickey and inhaling it before replying "I think she knows, we arent exactly hiding it" softly. Mickey gently shoved Ian replying "I am, youre not" before laughing._

_Ian playfully smacked Mickey over the back of his head replying "fuck you asshole" humouredly. Mickey raised his eyebrows at him with a smirk replying "maybe later you can" softly. Ian rolled his eyes hating that smug look on his boyfriends face so just kissed him shut him up and when things went a bit further Mickey pushed Ian back with his hand on his chest replying "not yet" firmly._

_Ian rolled his eyes and smoked some more of the joint before Mickey took it off him and smoked it in silence wishing he hadnt made Ian stop kissing him, he was addicted to Ian and a part of himself hated himself for it and the other part didnt care one bit. Ian sat back against the wall and watched his boyfriend smoke some weed when Mickey sat on top of Ian as he shotgunned the weed with Ian which led to more kissing._

_When they stopped Ian took the joint off him and smoked some more of it as he felt Mickey hold his hand and give it a light squeeze before he sat to the side of Ian resting his leg over Ian's leg. Ian didnt know if it was the weed but he looked down and it was real so he looked at Mickey who was looking at him with a playful smirk on his face. Ian started laughing at nothing and everything all at once and Mickey started laughing too and they were both too buzzed to even care or even hear the sounds outside the room._

_The next thing they saw was Mickey's bedroom door fly open and Mickey nearly had a heart attack thinking it was his father home early from jail and Ian just froze on the spot. Mandy barged into the room wanting some weed shouting "the fuck is this, you got any fucking weed left, I can smell it out in the hall " angrily. Ian blinked and rubbed his eyes feeling the haze of smoke make them sting since the window was closed sighing in relief blurting "shit Mandy you scared us" softly._

_Mandy softly laughed before she noticed the way they were lying on each other and holding hands and she grinned at them almost laughing at Ian's wide eyed expression blurting out "about fucking time you two happened" firmly. Mickey remained frozen on the spot until he realized it was just his sister defensively shouting "the fuck Mandy, get the fuck out" angrily._

_Mandy laughed replying "relax I dont give a shit who you bang Mickey, I had my suspicions about you two for weeks, nice to see I was right" firmly. Ian sighed bumping against Mickey adding "I told you Mandy wouldnt care, its okay" softly. Mickey blinked and rubbed his eyes with his hand trying to calm himself down hesitantly asking "you going to tell him" softly._

_Mandy looked at them in disbelief sitting on the edge of the bed replying "fuck no, I've no problem with it but you need to hide it better when dad gets home, you know I wouldnt give a shit and if I noticed it, he will" genuinely. Mickey looked up at her and saw she meant it and let out a sigh of relief handing her the joint replying "thanks" softly. Mickey looked over at Ian and Ian looked at him before they smoked the rest of the weed and fell into easy conversation._ _Mickey knew he would need to find some place they could meet up in secret once his dad got out of jail and he had just the place in mind._

_After the day Mandy found out about them they had been together for six months before Terry started to get suspicious and ask questions as to why Mickey was always hanging around with Ian. That was when Mandy came up with her plan of being Ian's pretend girlfriend to keep Terry from finding out about them and it worked as no more questions were asked anymore but the three of them still remained guarded and made sure their secret stayed a secret._

_Ian agreed to it but he really hated that they had to keep it a secret. Ian didnt see why they should be ashamed of who they were and it was something he and Mickey argued a lot over until Mandy made Ian see that Terry would kill them both for it. Mickey also told Ian that Terry had gay bashed for the fun of it and once killed a kid for being gay so Ian decided to go along with what Mickey and Mandy wanted._ _He didnt have to wait too long to stop living in secret because Terry ended up in jail again and four months later got killed in a prison riot not that any of them cared._

**Present day**

Ian softly sighed closing his eyes realizing that after Terry was killed it was another few months when the bipolar started to make an appearance in his life and Ian didnt know how he would have made it to this point without Mickey and Mandy in his life. After Terry was killed Ian admitted to his family that he was gay and in a relationship with Mickey. Fiona and Lip didnt care that he was gay but they disapproved of Ian dating Mickey so Ian stayed with Mickey all the time until Mickey just told him to move into the house.

Ian was broken from his thoughts when he felt Mickey run his hand through his hair and opened his eyes to see Mickey looking at him asking "you okay" curiously. Ian didnt know how Mickey always knew how he was thinking about stuff as he replied "yeah just thinking about after Terry got killed and the signs of my bipolar started to show, it nearly ruined everything for us, I'm sorry it got so bad, you should hate me for what I did" softly.

Mickey lightly patted the side of Ian's head replying "it didnt and I dont hate you, I told you back then it didnt matter and it still doesnt, youre stuck with me for life and Mandy too, got it" firmly. Ian softly smiled replying "yeah" softly. Mickey silently looked at him replying "stop trying to push me away, it wont work" in a small voice. Ian nodded replying "I wont as long as you tell me to get my shit together when needed" firmly. Mickey softly laughed replying "I fucking will" firmly.

They fell into another comfortable silence before Ian sat up and stretched out his arms with a yawn trying to shrug off his tiredness replying "think I will get up" softly. Mickey sat up with him replying "thought you were staying here all day, normally do with a med change" curiously. Ian shrugged looking at him replying "I know but think I will try something different, dont want to be lying here thinking about shit, like you said do the opposite to Monica so I'm doing it" softly.

Mickey softly grinned and almost laughed replying "about time you fucking listened to me" humoredly. Ian laughed as he playfully hit Mickey on the arm replying "fuck you" humoredly. Mickey rolled his eyes as they both got up and got dressed and went to the kitchen to make breakfast. They ate in small silences and easy conversation as Ian took his medication feeling like it might be okay.

That he could get over this bump in the road and he would be fine just once he had his best friend beside him to help him do it. As Ian ate his food he silently watched Mickey feeling a small bit of relief that he wasnt able to go through with killing himself and he knew Monica wasnt worth throwing his life away over. What he had here with Mickey mattered more to him and he silently promised he would never let himself get as low as he did the other night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Ian never gets the chance to talk and it also has to be dragged out of him too which is why Mickey makes him talk. I just hope it feels natural and in character and not forced.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a really long chapter, tried to break it into two parts but it didn't work so I left it as it is. Also there is triggers for mania in this in the flashback part so you can skip it if you want.

Ian hadnt left the house for a week since that day until in the second week Mickey made Ian go up to northside with him to run some small scams for cash to pay for Ian's bills. Ian hadnt seen Fiona or Lip since the day Mandy told them to fuck off and still did when they showed up at the door wanting to talk to them about Ian. Ever since Ian had told Mickey he hated not being able to contribute to paying his own way so Mickey included him in the scams he and Mandy created for more cash so that Ian could use his cut to pay for the meds.

They were sitting in the dugouts after coming back from one of these scams not wanting to go home so they went to the one place that could guarantee they would be alone for a while and it was the place where their relationship grew stronger in the shadows when Terry was still alive and not in jail. They were discussing why Ian would want a job and where would he work when Ian blurted out "I could get a job in a bar, I like people" curiously.

Mickey scoffed as he smoked his cigarette turning to face Ian with a confused expression wondering why anyone would like that job blurting out "the fuck would you do that for, you dont even socialize anymore because you hate it and you would have to put up with stupid drunk people and girls and guys hitting on you, come to work with me at the Alibi tonight and you will see it for yourself" firmly.

Ian laughed looking at his boyfriend replying "aw you jealous" humoredly. Mickey flipped him the middle finger replying "fuck you" with no anger. Mickey looked away from Ian trying to hide the small smile that was forming on his face knowing that he hated people trying to take what was his away from him. Ian let out a sigh continuing "I like working, it makes me feel useful and independant" firmly.

Mickey shook his head not wanting to stop Ian from doing something he looked like he really wanted to do replying "whatever, if its what you want to do, you started looking yet" curiously. Ian calmed down a little looking at his feet hesitantly replying "I dont know if I will, its just something I talked about in therapy the other day, its just another way of getting some independance back you know" softly.

Mickey sighed feeling like an asshole wrapping his arms around Ian's shoulders and looked at him replying "I know and I like that you do that, I just worry about you" firmly. Ian tensed with anger replying "I dont need you to" angrily. Mickey backed away taking his arm off Ians' shoulders angrily replying "I know but I cant help it, youre fucking important to me, I've been with you at your worst when youre lying in bed depressed and I have to take care of you and I dont want that to happen again" not adding he couldnt go through that again.

Ian stood up and leaned against the fence staring out onto the field hating that he was starting a fight but he needed to say this to his boyfriend. Ian gripped the fence with his fingers replying "I told my therapist about it yesterday, she thinks I'm not talking to you enough, maybe she is right but its hard talking about shit I dont want to talk about" softly.

Mickey softly laughed replying "welcome to my fucking world, you think its easy for me, I never want to talk about shit and its fucking hard but I do it for you, I do it because you need it and I love you and I dont want to fucking lose you" firmly. Ian sighed feeling really shitty now turning around and leaning back against the fence as he looked at Mickey who was looking down at his feet.

Ian hated that he was the cause of most of their fights now but he was trying so he blurted out "I'm sorry I keep fighting with you, I'm trying but I need you to stop worrying about me" softly. Mickey sighed shaking his head thinking Ian still wasnt getting it so he looked at Ian replying "I cant Ian but I will try, its your fucking life so do whatever the fuck you want" softly.

Mickey felt frustrated and stood up and Ian warily watched him feeling that insecure part of him wondering if Mickey was going to leave, was this the fight that pushed Mickey away for good. Ian shifted a little on his feet hesitantly asking "are we okay" softly. Mickey was standing at the other end of the dugout staring out towards the field when he looked over at Ian and stubbed out what was left of his cigarette on the floor.

He walked over to Ian and stood in front of him gripping Ian's shoulders with his hands replying "course we fucking are" firmly. Ian looked down at his feet almost sighing in relief as he slightly shook his head hating that he was still pushing Mickey away. Mickey rested his hand on the side of Ian's head and when Ian looked at him he added "havent gotten rid of you yet have I" humouredly.

Ian softly grinned and then laughed replying "no" not adding but waiting for it to happen. Mickey seemed to notice replying "and its not going to happen so quit thinking that I will, me and you we fight but we get over it dont we" firmly. Ian looked at him shaking his head replying "yeah" softly. Mickey grinned at Ian replying "good" firmly. There was a silence as they looked at each other before Mickey hesitated blurting out "I just fucking love you, know I dont say it a lot but I'm just scared of you over doing it and undoing the whole stability thing, guess I'm overthinking shit and being too controlling but you have to tell me to back the fuck off" softly.

Ian nodded before replying "I love you too but you have to let me handle this on my own, you can help me with it but its me with the disorder, I have to learn how to handle it, I have to find out what my limits are and I cant do that if you are crowding me all the time" softly. Mickey sighed seeing Ian's point replying "that wasnt so hard was it, maybe that therapist is onto something about this communicating shit" humouredly.

Ian softly laughed replying "no but its easy to talk to you" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes replying "same with you and I'll back off" softly. Ian shook his head in acceptance replying "still need you though" softly. Mickey grinned replying "just as well I'm not leaving you" firmly. Ian grinned wrapping his arms around Mickey and hugged him tightly and Mickey hugged him back both of them feeling relieved that they cleared the air a bit more between them.

Mickey went to step away but couldnt as Ian just kissed him and Mickey didnt stop it when things went further. When they finished and were standing in front of each other Ian softly smiled at Mickey blurting out "thanks for today, I needed it" softly. Mickey bit his lip hating that Ian saw through his plan trying to hide his embarrasment replying "that obvious" softly.

Ian softly laughed looking at him replying "not to anyone else, just me but I knew what you were trying to do, I know I've been numb and tired all week with the new meds, today was nice and the last few days too" shyly. Mickey looked at ground before looking at Ian almost sighing in relief knowing he would do anything for Ian as he replied "good, but youre still coming on these scams right, kind of got used to having you around this week" softly.

Ian softly laughed shaking his head replying "yeah if you want me to" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes stopping himself from saying something lame instead blurting out "so lets go find you a job" firmly. Ian softly laughed slightly rasing his eyebrow at Mickey replying "yeah might get you one too" humoredly. Mickey scoffed replying "fuck off, I do enough work at the Alibi" firmly. Ian just laughed as they left the dugouts and walked back home to their house continuing their conversation.

* * *

 

They turned onto their street and werent far from their house laughing about some ridiculous story Ian was in the middle of telling when Mickey stopped in the middle of the foothpath blurting out "what the fuck" angrily. Ian stopped in front of Mickey looking at him before looking in the direction Mickey was looking at to see Fiona and Lip standing on the doorstep of the house.

Ian sighed shaking his head hating that his perfectly good day was ruined and he knew what was coming by the tense body language he could see on his sibilings just down the street. Ian looked at Mickey asking "can we get the fuck out of here" angrily. Mickey rubbed his face with his hand still looking over Ian's shoulder hating that this was happening right now replying "think its a little late for that, they just saw us but maybe its better to get it over and done with" softly.

Ian no longer looked happy and Mickey hated that, he had the whole day planned to take Ian out for the day and make them both forget how shitty the last few weeks had been and it worked until they came home and he wished he took Ian somewhere else. Ian was still staring at his feet before glancing up hesitantly replying "will you come with me" curiously. Mickey scoffed looking at Ian replying "yeah you know I will but they fucking hate me, it will probably make things worse" firmly.

Ian shrugged replying "dont care, they need to accept that we're together" firmly. Mickey laughed replying "its your fucking funeral" sarcastically. Ian softly grinned knowing Mickey would go with him before turning around walked away. Mickey just shook his head knowing it wouldnt end well as he caught up with Ian as they walked towards their house.

They walked up the steps and into the house hearing Fiona and Lip follow them into the living area and Ian remained standing as he turned around to face them asking "what do you want" coldly. Fiona bit her lip before blurting out "we came to talk, we're just worried about you Ian" softly. Ian scoffed shaking his head hating that he was having this conversation again replying "you dont need to be, if you need money I can get you some but other than that I'm fine" firmly.

Lip ignored it glaring at his brother adding "you never come home anymore" icily. Ian looked at him quickly replying "this is my home and has been since I moved in here years ago, at least Mickey and Mandy actually want me here" firmly. Mickey warily watched Ian from the kitchen not wanting to get involved unless he had to but for now he was staying out of the way.

Fiona slightly shook her head knowing anything she would say would set Ian off and he already looked really pissed off but she charged on hesitantly asking "just tell me you are okay" not adding she couldnt sleep last night because she was worried. Ian crossed his arms defensively as he looked at his feet replying "I am, I was low for a while but I'm fine now, being sad is a perfectly normal reaction and it had nothing to do with my bipolar" firmly.

Fiona shook her head seeing her little brother look so angry and lost at the same time and she hated it sadly replying "youre not Ian, you cant hide it from me and I know you were down for weeks after Monica killed herself, I know I havent always been there for you when you needed someone but I'm trying to get better at it, I want to be there for you but you make it so hard" softly.

Ian scoffed shaking his head as he turned trying to hide the tears starting to form in his eyes hating that his family were acting this way. Lip glared at his brother's back angrily adding "Monica isnt worth being sad over, she treated us like shit so she doesnt deserve our sympathy so you dont have to feel bad about it" firmly. Ian felt even angrier turning around shouting "I know we all didnt give a shit about her if she lived or died but you dont get to fucking tell me how the fuck to feel about it" not adding that he understood why she did it and that he nearly followed in her footsteps.

Mickey stepped closer to Ian wanting to say something but never got the chance as Fiona replied "I know but can I ask if you still taking your meds, we hardly ever see you, I just want to know you are okay" firmly. Ian scoffed in disbelief replying "its none of your business but I am and if you have to ask then you can fuck off" not adding that he got them changed. Fiona shook her head deciding to back off on the questioning replying "that's good, I'm glad" firmly.

Ian glared at her silently wishing they would both go away but he couldnt find the words to say it out loud. Fiona let out a tense sigh biting her lip and tugging at her hair deciding to just say it "Lip thinks you should be hospitalized but I just wanted to talk to you first before we do anything, it might be a good idea and we wanted to see what you think" firmly.

Lip glanced at his sister before looking at Ian adding "I already called ahead and they can take you when ever you want, you know its a good idea to do it" forcefully. Ian shook his head glaring at his brother replying "fuck you, you dont have any right to pull that shit on me" icily. Lip smugly replied "I do, and do you really think you wont have another manic episode and nearly get Mandy killed, you want that to happen again, what happens if you do get her killed" firmly.

Mickey moved to stand beside Ian glaring at Lip replying "fuck you, leave Mandy out of it asshole and get the fuck out of our house" angrily. Lip shook his head in disbelief deciding he was done with this looking at Ian blurting out "you can do better than this Ian, they will get sick of your shit eventually, how long do you think they will put up with your manic and depressive episodes before they throw you out" angrily.

Mickey shouted "no one is fucking throwing Ian out, its his fucking house too" angrily. A tense silence fell as Ian looked down again shaking his head replying "I heard you both talking the other day" softly. Fiona's jaw dropped in shock and then she looked guilty replying "fuck I'm sorry Ian, we didnt mean it like that, I was just worried about you, I dont want you to end up like Monica" firmly. Lip scoffed "I fucking meant it" icily. Ian ignored him and looked at Fiona and saw her guilty expression coldly glaring at her replying "would you really do it, force me to go to hospital" angrily.

Lip angrily added "yeah I fucking would" angrily. Mickey stepped forward but Ian stopped him by grabbing his arm with his hand and looked at him whispering "its okay" softly. Mickey just about heard it and relaxed beside Ian letting out a sigh "whatever" softly. Fiona sighed replying "I dont want to but Lip thinks its a good idea but I would never let him do it" firmly.

Ian wasnt convinced replying "I dont need to go" softly. Fiona shook her head replying "okay but Ian we just want to help you, please believe that" softly. Another silence fell before Ian softly grimaced replying "I dont need help, I'm not Monica" firmly. Fiona put her hands on her hips hating that she wasnt getting her point across but she didnt know what to say. Lip glared at Ian angrily replying "Ian you nearly killed Mandy the last time you were manic, get that into your fucking head" angrily.

Fiona added as she looked at Ian "its why we need to be careful, we know the signs" in a frustrated tone. Ian glared at her replying "fuck you that was a year ago, I dont need to be in hospital for three months and you cant make me either, since when did you become my fucking doctor and Mandy and Mickey have already been with me through my episodes, you both never gave a shit when they tried to talk to you about it so dont take it out on them" angrily.

Mickey went to say something but Fiona got there first shouting "you never talk to any of us anymore, youre always over here now with Mickey and Mandy" loudly. Ian snapped "I fucking live here, have done for years now so why wouldnt I be" angrily. Lip scoffed looking at Mickey blurting out "you making him fucking stay now" disdainfully.

Mickey stood defensively knowing he had long been dragged into it stepping forward to stand beside Ian glaring back at Lip replying "fuck you, I dont make him stay anywhere, he wanted to stay here so I fucking let him, he is his own fucking person, doesnt need me to tell him what to do, if he wants to live here he fucking can, he's free to go whenever he fucking wants" angrily.

Ian had enough looking at Fiona blurting out "I'm not Monica, why cant you see that" curiously. Fiona shook her head tugging her hair with her hand in frustration replying "I just dont know why you cant come back home, we both think its a good idea so I can keep an eye on you" angrily. Ian scoffed shaking his head angrily replying "no I am home so I'm not going anywhere, you both just want to control me and check that I'm taking my meds and going to therapy which I am" icily.

Another tense silence fell as Ian decided wasnt having it anymore snapping "so because I wont leave my home here, you going to get me hospitalized against my will, say I'm a danger to myself or something" angrily. Mickey stepped in front of Ian facing him resting his hand on his shoulder replying "no she fucking wont, I wont let her" angrily. Ian glared at Fiona who rubbed her forehead in frustration "no one is doing anything, we only came over to talk, that is all" firmly.

Ian had enough looking at his sister replying "just leave, I dont need this so just leave me alone" angrily. Fiona sighed in frustration looking at Ian telling him "we're worried about you, thats all" firmly. Ian scoffed replying "dont be, I dont need you both looking at me like I'm about to lose it or do a Monica, I'm not Monica, I heard what you said the other day so just leave me the fuck alone, I dont need this shit" angrily.

Fiona silently looked at him not knowing what to say and not hiding the looks of guilt on her and his brother's face. Ian noticed it adding "dont bother saying youre sorry, I know you arent, youre only sorry you got caught" firmly. Fiona sighed knowing there was no talking to Ian, she knew he was right on some level replying "okay youre right, but we are scared Ian" softly. Ian deflated feeling the anger lessen replying "well dont be" softly.

There was a tense silence before Ian blurted out "dont come over here, I dont want you both here if all youre going to do is look at me like I'm something that needs to be fixed" softly. Fiona shouted "Ian come on" in a broken voice. Ian wasnt having it replying "no I dont need this Fiona, I dont need to feel like I'm constantly on eggshells around you guys and you know it, you both know that all you are doing is waiting for me to fucking lose my shit" firmly.

Fiona grimaced knowing there was some truth in Ian's words replying "we didnt mean to make you feel that way, all we know is Monica" softly. Ian sighed replying "well I'm not her and until you see that I'm not and stop treating me like I need to be fixed then I dont want to be around you guys, its hard enough staying stable without you guys treating me like I'm about to break, I'm not my disorder, it doesnt define me" firmly.

Fiona looked at Ian hating that she made Ian feel like this replying "I'm sorry Ian for making you feel that way but I'm trying so fucking hard" sincerely. Ian looked at her replying "I know but its not enough so dont come around here anymore, I dont need you trying to control my disorder for me, I can do it myself" softly. Another silence fell before Ian shook his head not having any more to say before walking to his and Mickey's bedroom and slamming the door shut behind him not want to deal with his sister and brother anymore.

Fiona watched Ian leave and when he shut the door behind him she sighed tensly looking at Mickey blurting out "you have to talk to him, he will listen to you" softly. Mickey glared back at her thinking she was the crazy one for talking to Ian like that but decided it wasnt worth it replying "get the fuck out, I'm not talking to him about anything" angrily. Lip scoffed replying "he's probably on another downward spiral" icily.

Mickey wasnt having it and it was out before he could stop it replying "no its your fucking shit you keep dumping on him that's pissing him off, he talks to me more than he talks to you so I think I'd fucking know the difference" angrily. A tense silence fell before Fiona sighed blurting out "I keep fucking this up" softly.

Mickey shook his head in disbelief looking at Fiona telling her "this shit you just pulled is the reason he doesnt want anything to do with both of you, just leave him alone and get the fuck out of my house and dont come back here again if all youre going to do is make him feel like shit" angrily. There was a tense silence as Mickey glared at them before Fiona and Lip left the house and Mickey followed them to the door and slammed it shut and locked it.

* * *

 

Mickey rested his forehead against the door in frustration hating that Ian was back to how he was a week ago. He walked back into the kitchen grabbing a bottle of beer from the fridge and took a drink from the bottle hating that the one thing he tried to do for Ian was ruined by Fiona and Lip and their theories about Ian.

When he realized Ian wasnt coming out of their room he shouted "they're gone, you can come out now" loudly. A few seconds later he heard the door open and Ian walked into the kitchen looking down at his feet not hiding his hurt expression as he sat in one of the chairs at the table.

Mickey looked at Ian keeping his expression neutral hiding just how shit he felt over Fiona and Lip barging into their house and ambushing Ian. He walked over to Ian resting his hand on the back of his neck blurting out "you hear all that and dont let them get to you" firmly. Ian scoffed looking up at Mickey replying "I did and thanks but its hard not to let them get to me" softly.

Ian ran his hand through his hair in frustration feeling that self doubt whisper away in his mind blurting out "do you think they are right" curiously. Mickey sat down beside Ian and faced him angrily replying "fuck no" loudly. Ian softly flinched as Mickey added "do you think you need to be" curiously. Ian looked at the table shaking his head replying "no but maybe I should.....fuck they are making me doubt myself now" softly.

Mickey grabbed Ian's hand that was resting on the table replying "dont do that, you've been stable, you dont need it if you think you dont, the therapist and doctor said you were okay, dont listen to those other assholes, they dont know what they are talking about" firmly. Ian shook his head replying "yeah youre right" softly.

Mickey watched Ian silently before he got up and walked over to the sofa blurting out "get the fuck up, we had plans today remember, we got movies to watch and youre going to bitch about how unrealistic they all are and pick out all the plot holes and ruin the fucking thing for me" humouredly. Ian laughed shaking his head knowing Mickey was right but denied it replying "do fucking not" as he went and sat beside Mickey on the sofa.

Mickey shot him a look letting him know he didnt believe a word of what Ian had just denied. They watched some movies and as predicted Ian bitched about plot holes and unrealistic things that happened while Mickey just laughed and disagreed with everything Ian said even if he thought Ian was right. Mickey didnt care just once Ian was happy and he knew Mandy would have something to say when she found out what happened but he wouldnt think about that right now.

* * *

 

Mandy was pissed off and tired when she came home from work and she slammed the door shut and went straight to her room to get changed also slamming her room door behind her as loud as she could not caring that that it shook in its frame. Ian and Mickey looked over their shoulder before looking at each other as Ian asked "the fucks up with her" curiously.

Mickey shrugged drinking his beer before replying "fuck knows" softly. It wasnt long before Mandy joined them on the sofa sitting beside Ian with her own beer when Mickey sat up to look over Ian asking "the fucks up with you" curiously. Mandy scoffed glaring at the tv screen replying "got fired or quit, depends how you look at it but I quit" angrily. Ian softly nudged her with his shoulder looking at her asking "what happened" curiously.

Mandy swallowed her mouthful of beer replying "some fucker kept groping me, warned him not to do it and when he didnt stop I punched him in the face, the manager saw it and sided with the customer and fired me so I told him I quit, no one gets one over on a fucking Milkovich" icily. Mickey laughed replying "would have loved to have seen that" humoredly.

Mandy scoffed looking over at him replying "beat the fucker up in alley when I got outside, tried to propsition me when I got outside so I followed him into the alley and beat the fucker up, he got real up close and personal with my brass knuckles" icily. Ian laughed replying "fucker deserved it" firmly. Mickey scoffed replying "fucking right he did" angrily. A silence fell before Mandy let out a sigh deciding to forget her shitty day asking "anything happen with Fiona and Lip today" curiously.

Ian looked down at his hands so Mickey decided to tell her everything that was said when Fiona and Lip confronted them at their house. Mandy was livid glaring at them replying "what, I'm going to fucking kill them" angrily. Mickey sighed replying "get in line" softly. Mandy looked over at him replying "can they not just see they are stressing him out and we arent fucking forcing him to live here, they are just making it worse" icily.

Ian who was sat between them blurted out "still here guys" awkwardly. Mandy calmed down to look at Ian replying "sorry, but dont listen to them, you've been living here for years so why cant they accept that" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "they fucking hate us Mandy, why do you think" icily. Mandy shook her head replying "getting sick of them thinking they are better than us" softly.

Ian shrugged looking at her replying "I think they just want me there so they can control me, they dont see that their attitude is the reason I left and would rather stay here" firmly. Ian looked down at his hands resting in lap adding "they think I cant take care of myself or that you both cant either" softly. Ian paused before looking at Mandy adding "they even brought up that day on the roof where I nearly killed us both because I was manic, think thats why they want me hospitalized, they think I will do again, I'm so sorry about that day Mandy" firmly.

Mandy grabbed Ian's hand in hers looking at him replying "dont apoligize for something that wasnt your fault, I told you I wasnt mad at you about that day, I never was and there is nothing to forgive because I forgave you for it when it happened because we know why it happened, so fuck those assholes for bringing it up, they dont get to tell you how I feel about that day" firmly.

Mickey was quietly looking at Ian hating that he nearly lost Ian that day since he was cleaning up the messes that Terry left behind when he was killed. Mickey felt like he failed Ian in some way because he was making sure that none of Terry's enemies or contacts would come looking for them for revenge or to make them take over from Terry. Mickey with the help of Iggy were making sure that they got out of the business Terry ran and they made sure that Terry's contacts knew the remaining Milkovich's wouldnt be taking over from Terry.

After they got out of the family business Iggy left town and Mickey stayed to be with Ian and Mandy. Mickey sighed regretfully while looking at Ian blurting out "should never have left that day" softly. Ian looked over at him with sad eyes replying "its not your fault, you had to make sure Terry's contacts knew he was dead and that you were no longer involved in the business, they would have come looking for him if you didnt" softly.

Mickey bit his lip before replying "still doesnt make me feel any better, I knew something was wrong and I still left" softly. Ian shook his head knowing Mickey never forgave himself for that day replying "but I told you to go and anyway youre here now, that's all that matters" softly. They fell into a comfortable silence as they watched the tv screen but all Ian did was think about that day where it nearly all went wrong as his disorder started to take hold of him.

_**One year ago** _

_It had been a few months since Terry was killed and Ian and Mandy couldnt believe they were free from the menace that was Terry Milkovich. Mickey and Iggy werent so carefree as they knew there would be ramifications now that Terry was dead, killed in a prison riot after pissing off the wrong guy. Ian felt he had loads of energy and he felt on top of the world which led to him talking Mandy into joining him for nights out in boystown and he had started taking drugs to self medicate._

_Mandy just thought he was having fun and left him to it but she didnt know that he was hiding the amount he was taking from her until it was nearly too late. One night when they were out some guy roofied Ian's drink not knowing Ian had a high tolerance for drugs. The guy tried to rape Ian when he and Mandy left the club but Ian was able to fight back and Mandy helped too._

_Mickey went livid when he found out and went with them one night and found the guy who drugged Ian and beat him up badly in the alley beside the club they always frequented. It got worse from there as Ian rarely slept and eventually overdosed and ended up in hospital. Mandy had been with him that night and took him to hosipital where had his stomach pumped but it didnt stop him as he went back to partying like it never happened._

_That was when Mickey and Mandy knew something was seriously wrong and when they tried to talk to Fiona she shut them down telling them it was nothing to worry about. They both knew about Monica as Ian told them and they wondered if Ian was bipolar and when they said this to Fiona she told them they didnt know what they were talking about. After that Mickey along with Mandy tried to talk to Ian who told them not to worry because he was fine and would know if something was wrong._

_Ian knew something was wrong, something didnt feel right but he didnt want to hear it so he denied it and pretended everything was okay because being like Monica was a death sentence. Eventually Ian crashed and couldnt get out of bed and Mickey knew for sure what was wrong and Mandy tried to talk to Fiona but Fiona didnt want to hear it and that pissed Mandy and Mickey off so much._

_It was a few weeks of Mickey and Mandy looking after Ian until Ian came out of his depresive cycle and went back to mania like the last few weeks never happened. Even though Mandy was sure Ian needed help, Mickey went into denial telling himself that Ian was fine even though he knew Ian wasnt fine. It all came to a head a few days later when Mickey was out of town with Iggy making sure their ties were cut with Terry's suppliers._

_Mandy had been at home eating some food at the table when her phone rang and she answered it asking "Ian where the fuck are you" curiously. Ian laughed replying "I'm on the roof of the abandoned buildings, you need to get here, you need to see me fly Mandy, I can do it. I'm going to do it" firmly. Mandy panicked replying "Ian dont, I'm coming to you, just wait" firmly. Mandy grabbed her keys and left the house and ran to the abandoned buildings as fast as she could while Ian talked to her on the phone._

_When she got there she saw Ian standing at the edge of the roof shouting "Ian" loudly. Ian turned around to face her replying "you made it" firmly. Mandy glanced at where Ian was standing so close to the edge replying "Ian please dont step back" shakily. Ian didnt hear it exictedly replying "I can fly Mandy, it will be so cool, hey you should video it" firmly. Mandy stared at him holding back the tears in her eyes replying "Ian dont do it please" softly._

_Ian laughed deciding to walk along the edge of the roof replying "there is nothing to worry about, you can come with me, hey we should get Mickey here" firmly. Mandy stepped closer wishing Mickey was here replying "Ian this is crazy" softly. Ian turned to face her replying "I'm going to do it Mandy" firmly. Mandy made eye contact with Ian and she realized he really believed he could fly and that was going to do it and before she could stop it blurted out "let me come with you" softly._

_Ian grinned at her and it met his eyes replying "okay, get over here" firmly. As she stepped closer Ian added "its going to be awesome Mandy so dont be afraid" firmly. Mandy almost laughed in disbelief knowing she was petrified and that Ian couldnt even see what he was about to do would get him killed. Mandy stood in front of him and Ian grabbed her hand tightly and grinned at her before turning around and standing right on the ledge._

_Ian looked down at the ground and then up at the sky before biting his lip gripping Mandy's hand tighter and jumped. Mandy was ready for it and pulled him back grabbing Ian's arm but his foot slipped and he slipped off the edge of the roof with Mandy holding him by the hand and arm. Ian struggled as he looked at her and then looked at the ground down below and panicked replying "just let me go" hysterically._

_Mandy tried to pull Ian up but wasnt strong enough screaming "you are not fucking dying on me Ian, Mickey would fucking kill us both" angrily. Ian struggled hating that he wouldnt get to see Mickey again but it was too late. Mandy pulled him up a little more angrily adding "I'm not letting you die, not after what Monica put you through, if you let go I will fucking jump too and haunt your ass and kick it for all eternity if you dont use youre fucking feet to climb back up so stop fucking panicking and do what I fucking tell you, I cant hold on for much longer" through gritted teeth._

_Mandy felt the burn in her arms from Ian's weight and she wasnt sure she could hold on for much longer but she was trying and she also needed Ian to help himself because she didnt have fucking super strength. Ian eventually pushed himself back up onto the roof and landed on top of her and started crying. Mandy held him tightly and they both lay there crying before Ian looked at her with tears in his eyes blurting out "I cant hide it anymore, something is wrong with me" shakily._

_Mandy hugged him running her hand through his hair as she looked at him replying "I know and so does Mickey, we know it had been for a while but you need help Ian, we tried but you need more help than we can give, we love you Ian but something is wrong and this right here proves it" softly. Ian sniffed wiping the tears from his eyes replying "I know, will you come with me" shyly. Mandy shook her head replying "yeah, you want to go home" softly._

_Ian shook his head before they both got up and went home where Mickey was waiting for Ian and almost died when he found out what happened. Mandy and Mickey both took Ian to the hospital where he finally got the help he needed after he signed in for three months and they both visited Ian every day. That was when Fiona finally believed something was seriouly wrong with Ian and she knew she would never forgive herself for not listening to Mandy._

**Present day**

Ian was broken from his thoughts when he felt Mandy hit his shoulder with her hand. He looked at her to see she was looking at him asking "you okay" softly. Ian shook his head replying "no" softly. Mandy looked at him with concern asking "what's wrong" curiously. Ian softly grimaced replying "thinking about that day on the roof" softly. Mandy wasnt having it replying "I forgave you for that day and I'm not mad at you, the fact that you got the help you need is what matters to me so dont beat yourself up over it" firmly.

Ian felt Mickey grab the back of his neck adding "she's right, I was pissed off that I wasnt here but its done now so forget about it" firmly. Ian looked over at him replying "I know but what I was going to say was thanks for being for me and helping me and not leaving me when I tried to push you both away" firmly. Ian looked down at his hand that was still in Mandy's hand adding "my own family didnt care and still dont but you two did and I love you both for that, I know I'll be okay once I have the two of you" softly.

Mickey grabbed Ian's shoulder with his hand and gently squeezed it as Mandy looked at Ian with an amused smirk and almost laughed replying "thats the gayest thing youve ever said to me" humoredly. Mickey nodded in agreement and it was out before he could stop it mumbling "heard gayer" softly. He knew they heard it when Ian chuckled because Ian really had said gayer stuff when they were alone and they both knew it but would never admit it until now.

Mandy snorted looking at her brother and the way he smirked at her so she rolled her eyes replying "I dont want to know" firmly. Ian softly laughed shaking his head in disbelief and feeling embarrased adding "whatever I'm going to bed" softly. When Ian stood up and left the room Mandy looked at her brother asking "you think he will be okay now" curiously. Mickey stood up looking at his sister replying "think so" hesitantly. Mandy watched her brother follow Ian into their bedroom hoping that Ian would be okay and she was going to kill Fiona and Lip for bringing up shit that was in the past.

When Mickey got into the bed and settled under the covers Ian turned around to face him letting his eyes close. Mickey moved right up against Ian wrapping his arms around him replying "you going to be okay" softly. Ian remained silent before he shook his head replying "I will be" firmly. Ian sighed as he found he actually believed his own words, he knew the last few weeks were rough but he felt like he could get to that good place again and it was enough.

Mickey hugged Ian tighter replying "good" softly. Ian thought Mickey was asleep when he heard "I'm sorry for not being there that day" softly. Ian grabbed the back of Mickey's neck with his hand replying "I know you are, but you were there the other night, thats all that matters to me" softly. Mickey slightly shook his head accepting Ian's reply before they both fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did some research on mania and how people can act during a manic episode and used it for this story and for some background on Ian and his disorder. I just hope I got it right and didn't sensationalize it or diminish it in any way and if I did I am sorry for fucking it up as I really tried to keep it as realistic as possible.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Realized that this story is all from Ian's point of view. Tried to put some other point of views from Mickey and Mandy but it didn't work out so the story is what it is.

It took a few weeks for Ian's meds and his moods to level out but he got there, he got to a place where he felt he could say that he was stable. He hadnt seen Fiona since the day he told her to leave him alone after telling her he needed space and he didnt need her to worry about him at all. It was bad enough Mickey already worried about him so he didnt need someone else to do it too.

Ian woke up early in the morning on his side facing the wall and moved to lie on his back letting out a sigh and wiping the sleep from his eyes with his fingers. He blinked a few times before glancing over to see Mickey sleeping on his stomach facing him with an arm resting over Ian's stomach under the covers and Ian vaugely wondered how anyone could sleep in that position.

Ian looked at his boyfriend silently for a few minutes before deciding to stare at the celing and let his thoughts drift to the places he never dared think about in the past. Ian knew he was scared, he was scared of Mickey leaving him because he couldnt handle the bipolar issue despite the fact that Mickey said he didnt care and would never leave. Ian couldnt help be afraid that Mickey would leave, he hated that he felt like a burden to his boyfriend but something inside him told him that Mickey never did anything he didnt want to do.

Ian knew when Mickey decided on something there was no changing his mind and Ian believed him when he said he would never leave but there was still that fear the Mickey would leave one day. It also didnt help that his own brother kept telling him he could do better than settle for a Milkovich. It didnt help that Fiona was of the same opinion and silently agreed with Lip but she just kept her comments to herself which made it worse but over time Ian learned to ignore their opinions when they couldnt keep a relationship to save their lives.

Ian thought back to the night on the bridge and something Mickey said made him wonder about a lot of things. When Mickey told him he would follow him off the bridge if he jumped it suprised Ian because he never thought anyone would still want him no matter how fucked up his brain was and Ian was just confused about the whole thing. But there was a part of him that was glad he had Mickey on his side, it was what he needed to get through everything that his shitty life threw in his direction.

Ian let out a sigh noticing he felt different, he felt like he would be okay now that the ghost of Monica was starting to loosen her grip on him as the days passed. It also helped that Lip and Fiona gave him the space he needed and left him alone which meant he wasnt stressing over their actions. But it didnt stop him feeling bad about what he said even though he needed to say it and his therapist agreed that he needed to say what he felt and not keep it unsaid.

Ian softly smiled when he felt Mickey move right up against him closing the gap between them and rested his hand on Ian's hip tiredly mumbling "how long have you been awake" curiously. Ian looked at him replying "a while, just been thinking" softly. Mickey pulled himself closer to Ian resting his leg in between Ian's legs and moving his hand that was lying over Ian's waist to his shoulder as he gently rubbed his forehead against Ian's cheek and breathing in the warmth and smell that was Ian.

Mickey let out a sigh keeping his eyes closed thinking he liked this, he liked waking up beside Ian and even though the last few weeks had been rough he knew it was worth it because Ian was all he needed. He felt Ian lightly rub his hand up and down his arm under the covers replying "what about" curiously. Ian moved his head slightly keeping his gaze at the celing replying "just stuff, like Fiona and Monica and you and Mandy, scared of losing you and Mandy" softly.

Mickey wanted to ask why but he knew from experience that it was best to let Ian talk in his own time so he just lay there waiting for Ian to add on to whatever it was he was going to say. Mickey felt protective of Ian and he knew it was probably too protective but he couldnt help it, he didnt get things in life and when he did he held onto them and never let them go. Sometimes he just felt like Ian was too good for him which made him want to hold on tighter but he knew if he did that then he would push Ian away for good and he didnt want that to happen.

Mickey opened his eyes blurting out "I'm scared of losing you, sometimes I think youre too good for me and will realize it and leave me" in a whisper. Ian heard it and turned to lie on his side wrapping his arms around Mickey looking at him in suprise replying "thats the way I feel about you" shyly. A silence fell before Mickey replied "but I'm never going to leave you, youre stuck with me for life, youre it for me" firmly.

Ian softly smiled hiding the blush that threatened to break out over his face replying "you too, and I'm never going to leave you either and if I push you away then dont let me, give me space but dont let me lose you" emotionally. Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's head with his hand replying "you wont lose me even when youre being a complete asshole to me, you can push me away all you want, still not leaving so get that into your fucking head okay" firmly.

Another comfortable silence fell where they just looked at each other before Mickey added "I love you Ian, I never thought I would ever have anything like this ever, you know who my dad was, he would have killed me, I didnt think this or us was possible, I thought I would just be in the closet for the rest of my life before I met you" softly. Ian knew Mickey was telling the truth and he knew Terry despised gay people which was the reason why their relationship started off behind closed doors and in the shadows.

Ian knew he was lucky to have an accepting family who didnt give a shit that he preferred boys over girls but he still felt lucky that he had Mickey in his life. Ian softly smiled at his boyfriends open expression replying "yeah me too, guess we're both pretty lucky considering where we live" softly. Ian softly sighed emotionally blurting out "I just need you a lot, I love you so much that I feel like I'm a burden and I dont want to be that to you, my head isnt in a good place right now" softly.

Mickey lightly patted Ian's hair with his hand reassuringly replying "you arent a fucking burden and never will be and I need you too so dont forget that and if you do then I'll keep reminding you" firmly. Ian softly smiled looking downwards letting the words sink into his mind and he knew he wouldnt be going through all of this alone and for the first time in a long while he actually believed that he wasnt alone.

Ian didnt quite believe it just yet and he was trying but it was just hard to believe it when his brain was trapped and he couldnt see any other way out. He just felt like a ghost in the mist where he always felt lost and like his life was just slipping away and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Ian bit his lip before blurting out in a broken voice "I just feel like I'm never going to escape from this, its hard to accept it and I can barely even live with it, its just hard not to feel alone" softly.

Mickey didnt know what to say as he hugged Ian tighter rubbing his hand up and down Ian's back wishing he could just make Ian stop feeling so lost all the time. Ian pushed against Mickey hugging him back tightly as Mickey added "you'll never be alone Ian, you have me and Mandy too, just remember that okay" softly. Mickey silently looked at Ian thinking if what he was going to say next would make Ian have a fight with him or not.

Ian looked up at him replying "you make it easier, I need you so much too" shyly. Mickey slightly smiled replying "I need you so much too" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes internally slapping himself for saying something so lame but he knew Ian always managed to pull that kind of stuff out of him regardless of if he wanted to say it or not. Ian let out a sigh replying "I just dont know what to do" softly. Mickey blurted out before he could stop it "you either learn to live with it or let it destroy you" firmly.

Ian flinched at the words letting them sink in and even though he wanted to fight with Mickey and tell him it wasnt destroying him, he knew there was truth in his boyfriend's words. Ian knew it was destroying him, it was killing him slowly from the inside and there was nothing he could do to stop it. Mickey ran a hand through Ian's hair as Ian swallowed the dry lump in his throat before replying "I dont know how to learn to live with it or stop it destroying me" hesitantly.

Mickey looked at Ian replying "we start by dealing with this shit and we'll get through it, you dont have to do this alone" firmly. Ian shyly smiled and looked downwards replying "you make it sound so easy" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "we made it work between us when Terry was alive didnt we, if we can get through that then we can get through this right" firmly. Ian shyly looked at Mickey replying "yeah" in a whisper.

Mickey heard it lightly shoving at Ian with his body asking "its not going to be easy but we'll get there okay, Monica's dead so no more letting her have a hold over you" firmly. Ian fought a small smile on his face replying "yeah, just take my meds and shit and work on it" softly. Ian relaxed as Mickey tightened his grip on him and kissed him on the lips and Ian knew that he would be okay.

He also knew that ever since Terry was killed Mickey no longer let his father have a hold over him so Ian decided he was going to do the same thing and it helped that Mickey told him he wasnt going anywhere even when shit got really bad. Ian pushed himself closer to Mickey even though there was no space left between them mumbling "can we stay here for a while" softly.

Mickey heard it and looked at Ian replying "yeah, its not like we've anywhere to be" softly before they both lay there in silence. It was a while before Ian blurted out "maybe I should apologize to Fiona, I feel shit for saying what I did, I hate making her feel like shit" sadly. Mickey looked at Ian replying "dont Ian, dont apologize for her making you feel like shit first, they were wrong, they are the ones who should be fucking apologizing, you didnt do anything wrong" firmly.

Ian softly sighed looking downwards knowing he was right mumbling "yeah youre right" softly. Mickey didnt hear it softly pushing against Ian asking "whats that mumbles" lightly. Ian rolled his eyes looking up at Mickey replying "I said youre right" firmly. Mickey laughed replying "fucking right I am" humoredly. They fell into a comfortable silence and Ian knew Mickey was right, he was always right and it helped to him to stop second guessing himself all the time.

Ian realized he didnt know what he would do if he didnt have at least one person on his side all the time but he didnt think there was anyone better that person right in front of him to be that person. Ian was broken from his thoughts when he felt Mickey wrap his arms around him tighter looking at him replying "so you staying here or what" lightly. Ian softly laughed replying "its still early so staying here then breakfast and meds" firmly. Mickey laughed replying "sounds good to me" softly.

* * *

 

Several days had passed and they were lying on the sofa in the living area watching a movie when there was knock on the front door and Ian went to answer it and saw it was Fiona asking could they talk so Ian let her into the house after she promised she wasnt here to fight. Ian closed the door behind her and followed her into the living area where Mickey sitting on the one of the chairs and Fiona sat in the other chair.

Ian sat back down beside Mickey looking at Fiona who looked nervous before she blurted out "I'm sorry for being an asshole, I didnt mean to make you feel like shit, I was worried and made the mistake of letting the shit Lip comes out with get into my head, he was wrong and I'm sorry for going along with him, I should have listened to you" sincerely.

Ian shook his head shyly replying "I'm just going to say to you what I told Mickey, I dont need you worrying about me or crowding me, I need to take control of this myself, I cant have you doing it for me, crowding me just stresses me out and I dont need it so can you please back off" firmly. Fiona slightly flinched but it wasnt noticable as she replied "okay I'll back off but I'm always here for you, I raised you guys and I know youre an adult now but I still worry about you okay, so if you ever need it I'm still here and you can always talk to me and tell me to back off if you need to just please dont avoid me" not hiding the hurt in her voice.

Ian noticed it and looked at her hurt expression replying "I wont avoid you anymore, its just hard to say what I need to say" softly. There was silence as Ian looked at Mickey briefly before adding "I'm not Monica, I dont need you all thinking I am like her, I'm not, so please stop treating me like her and comparing me to her" softly. Fiona ran a hand through her hair replying "okay, but Ian Monica is all we know when it comes to bipolar so I'm sorry for making you feel that way, its hard for us too you know, I know youre the one with the disorder but we're dealing with it too" firmly.

Ian slightly shook his head in frustration that she wasnt getting it before Fiona muttered "shit, not what I meant, I mean we have to see you go through this and cant do anything about it which is probably why we are so over bearing with you, maybe its a control thing I dont know but its only because I care about you but we're trying to deal with it too" softly. Mickey softly chuckled looking at Ian nudging him with his shoulder interjecting "got a point there, already had this conversation with him" humoredly. Ian rolled his eyes replying "yeah whatever" dismissively.

A silence fell as Ian looked at the ground letting out a tense sigh blurting out "thought Lip would be with you" curiously. Fiona scoffed looking at him replying "fuck no, he would just make shit worse, you know what he is like" humoredly. Ian and Mickey softly laughed in agreement as they fell into another silence. Fiona stood up replying "I'm really sorry but I cant stay long as I have to go to work now but Ian just talk to me next time okay, dont bottle it up until it comes out like it did the other day" as she looked at him.

Ian looked up at her and stood up to hug her back replying "yeah" softly as Fiona hugged him before she left the house. Ian watched her leave and when heard the door close behind her he looked back around to see Mickey lying back down on the sofa flicking through the television channels. Ian lay back down between the back of the sofa and his boyfriend and wrapped his arms around him resting his head on his shoulder as they watched a movie on one of the channels.

Ian was lost his own thoughts as he wondered if things would get worse but he felt like they had already gotten worse and that maybe it could start to get better. Ian looked at the tv screen blurting out "I think I'm going to be okay" softly. Mickey looked at him replying "yeah, thats good" firmly. Ian looked at him with a soft smile replying "yeah, once I have you anyway" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes at Ian before laughing and wrapping his arms around Ian kissing the top of his head replying "youre a lame idiot" humouredly.

Ian softly laughed replying "yeah but you still love me" softly. Mickey rolled his eyes knowing it was the truth sighing "yeah I do" as he hugged Ian a bit tighter as they went back to watching the movie. Ian didnt pay to much attention to it as he was lost in his own thoughts and realized he didnt want to be as low as he was a few weeks ago. He knew he scared Mickey a lot and he knew he also scared himself when he thought back to that night on the bridge.

As he looked at Mickey Ian knew he had something to live for and he didnt want to throw it all away just because he felt like he was destined to end up like Monica. He decided he was taking control of his life and was no longer going to believe that just because he had the same disorder as Monica it meant that he was going to end up like her by commiting suicide.

Ian tightened his grip on Mickey letting out a soft sigh deciding he wanted to live, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with Mickey and Mandy too, they were his family and he didnt want to leave them behind. He knew he owed a lot to them as they helped him come to terms with his disorder and never judged him for it either despite the stuff he did while he was manic or in bed depressed for weeks at a time.

All they did was help and they still helped him through the med adjustments and getting money for the bills that he had to pay. He knew it was easier to let them help him and he knew he wasnt forcing them to help him because they told him they wanted to help and he was also glad that he was starting to make amends with Fiona too. Ian looked at Mickey feeling like he believed it repeating "I think I'm going to be okay, we're going to be okay" softly.

Mickey heard it and looked at Ian with a soft smile on his face replying "good, been trying to tell you that" firmly. Ian shrugged replying "its going to be hard" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "when has anything ever been fucking easy" loudly. Ian softly laughed knowing it was true shyly replying "I know but it will be easier once I have you" softly. Mickey rested his hand on the back of Ian's head replying "you'll always have me" softly.

Ian softly smiled as he rested his head on Mickey's shoulder and they went back to watching the television screen. For the time in a long while Ian really did believe that he may just be okay eventually even though he knew it would be hard getting there but he knew he would try.

* * *

 

**One year later**

Over the next year Ian slowly got better and more stable as the months passed. It was hard learning to live with his diagnosis and it also meant a lot of fights and arguments with Mickey, Mandy and Fiona. But Ian had to hand it to them in that they stuck to their word and never left him or abandoned him either and they gave him space when he asked for space especially when his meds needed an adjustment.

Ian was happy to have finally got to a place where he was stable, gotten to a place where he didnt want to die and didnt feel like he was going to end up like Monica. It also helped that he talked about stuff with Mickey and Mandy, he only ever talked to them two because they never judged him for anything he said and he completely trusted both of them too.

Ian still helped Mickey and Mandy run scams to make more cash to pay for his medications and his therapy appointments as he still didnt have enough cash to pay for them by himself. Ian eventually got a job in a gay bar as a bartender and he was happy he had it as he got some independance that he had before his disorder showed up in his life. He loved the job because he felt useful, it felt nice to get up in the morning and have somewhere to go to, something to do and give some routine and independance that made him feel like life was worth living again.

It also helped that his boss didnt give a shit about his disorder either and was willing to work around it if Ian needed time off for whatever reason related to his disorder and Ian was grateful for it too. Ian was nearing the end of his shift at the bar he had been working at for the last nine months and it was busy night so he didnt see Mickey sitting at the end of the bar with a beer in front of him watching Ian work.

When Ian finished serving a customer he turned around to see Mickey looking at him with a slightly raised eyebrow and smirking at him too. Ian grinned at him and stood up straighter as he walked over to the other end of the bar to which Mickey rolled his eyes slightly shaking his head at Ian's eagerness. When Ian stood in front of him Mickey looked at him replying "you have no fucking chill" humouredly.

Ian rolled his eyes replying "whatever, thought you werent coming down here tonight" curiously. Mickey looked at the bar not wanting to say I missed you but instead said "changed my mind" evasievly. Ian saw through it noticing the way Mickey suddenly looked shy replying "you missed me, admit it" humoredly. Mickey scoffed giving Ian the middle finger as he looked at him replying "fuck you" humordly.

Ian laughed replying "well I missed you" softly. Mickey heard it over the noise of music and people talking loudly as he drank his beer before asking "you finished yet" curiously. Ian replying "not yet, in about half an hour, how long have you been here" firmly. Ian's co-worker was close by and heard it interjecting "for nearly an hour, he missed you" humoredly. Mickey glared at him replying "fuck off asshole, no I wasnt" humoredly. The guy laughed not believing a word and walked away with the drinks replying "whatever Milkovich" lightly.

Ian watched him leave with a smile on his face before looking at Mickey replying "is it true" curiously. Mickey sighed knowing Ian wouldnt believe anything he said so he told the truth "yeah, but its not like I've never done it before" lightly. Ian crossed his arms and looked down hiding his grin knowing it was the truth before he looked up blurting out "I never noticed you, I normally do but didnt this time, sorry" shyly.

Mickey shook his head looking at Ian replying "doesnt matter" softly. Ian got Mickey another beer and put it in front of him blurting out "its on me, got to get back to work" firmly before walking away to finish his shift. Mickey grinned at Ian and watched him walk away thinking he was lucky to still have Ian in his life depsite everything they had been through together. It wasnt long until Ian had finished his shift and he stood in front of Mickey who asked "ready to go home" curiously.

Ian bit his lip and looked down replying "yeah but uh I need to do something first" softly. Ian couldnt force the words out of his throat so Mickey grabbed the back of Ian's neck with his hand asking "spit it out" softly. Ian looked up at him replying "just thinking about last year, the night on the bridge, I've been thinking about it and I want to go back" softly. Mickey couldnt hide his shock whispering "what, I thought things were good" softly.

Ian hated that it came out wrong as he grabbed Mickey's hips with hands pulling him closer replying "they are, it came out wrong, I need closure which is why I want to go, I've been thinking about it for a while and talked about it with my therapist, she thinks its a good idea, it might help me let go and I'm sorry I didnt say it sooner but I needed to be sure" softly.

Ian went to say something else but Mickey just shut him up by kissing him and he stopped he looked at Ian replying "its fine, you nearly gave me a fucking heart attack so dont do that again" softly. Ian shyly looked down asking "youre not mad" curiously. Mickey grabbed Ian's shoulders with his hands looking at him replying "no I'm not, ever since you asked me to come in with you on the therapy sessions I realized how much you never get to say because I fucking fly off the handle and I'm trying not to do that anymore" softly.

Ian shook his head looking at the ground knowing that it was true and it was something they both worked on as Mickey added "so if you need closure then go get it, when do you want to go" curiously. Ian looked up at his boyfriend replying "now, can we go now" softly. Mickey shook his head asking "yeah, you sure you want me to go with you" curiously. Ian shyly smiled replying "yeah, I always want you with me, told you that" softly.

Mickey tried but failed to hide the smile on his face replying "me too" softly. Mickey kissed Ian again before looking at him blurting out "come on, lets go get this over with" firmly. Ian grinned back at him before they both left the bar and made their way to bridge. Ian stood at the wall of the bridge staring into the darkness as Mickey stood beside him looking down at the river below as they both stood there in silence lost in their own thoughts.

Ian looked down at the water noticing that he felt different now that a year had passed. He didnt feel lost anymore and didnt feel like Monica still had that invisible grip over him anymore. He didnt feel like it was his destiny to end up like Monica now that he had taken control over his own life and his disorder. Ian looked over at Mickey who was standing beside the wall staring into the distance behind Ian and Ian couldnt help the small smile on his face as he watched the one person who had been with him all along.

Ever since he was diagonsed and Monica killed herself all Ian ever felt was lost and alone and without any direction in his life. Ian thought back over the past year and how hard he worked to move away from that dark place in his mind and he realized that Mickey had been there all along. Even when he tried to push Mickey away he always stayed even when Ian when made it very easy for Mickey to walk away.

Ian sighed in relief that Mickey never listened to him when he told him that he was better off without him because now Ian knew he would be lost without Mickey in his life. Ian knew that now he had gotten to a place he never thought he would get to he was glad that he made it to a place where he was stable and sort of happy. He was just glad that he was no longer in that dark place where he was haunted by Monica and saw no way out of thinking that his diagnosis meant the end of his life.

But he was here now with Mickey and job that he loved and he felt like he had a purpose in life. Ian was broken from his thoughts when he heard Mickey ask "the fuck you looking at me for" curiously. Ian blinked softly laughing not even denying it "because I want to" firmly. Mickey rolled his eyes replying "fucking quit it would you, its creepy" firmly. Ian softly smirked holding out his hand to Mickey who shook his head in disbelief and grabbed Ian's hand in his own as he stood in front of Ian with a slightly raised eyebrow remaining silent.

They looked at each other silently before Mickey asked "want to tell me why youre staring at me and dont think I havent noticed you do it before" humoredly. Ian softly laughed knowing it was true, he always did look at Mickey if he was awake before him but he couldnt help it, he just felt lucky to still have him in his life and it made him appreciate it. Ian stepped closer wrapping his arms around Mickey replying "just never told you how much I appreciate you, youre always there for me and pull me up on the shit I pull, I love you and I'm sorry for putting you through that night here last year, I just felt so lost and you helped" softly.

Ian fell silent and looked downwards as Mickey wrapped his arms around Ian's shoulder wanting to say something but didnt get the chance as Ian whispered "you saved me and you didnt know it and you still stay even when I tried to get you to leave" softly. Mickey silently looked at Ian letting the words sink in before replying "you saved me too you know" softly. Ian looked up blurting out "yeah" softly. Mickey scoffed replying "yeah, you know who my dad was, thought I was going to have to live in the closet for survivial for the rest of the life, knock up some girl I hated just to prove I'm a fucking man and not gay" icily.

Ian tightly hugged Mickey resting his face on his shoulder before looking at him replying "youre free now, we're both free" softly. Mickey looked at he ground biting his lip before looking at Ian whispering "you think so" softly. Ian shook his head replying "yeah, Monica no longer has a hold over me and its why I wanted to come here, to cut ties with her, I dont even think about her anymore, I've learned to live with bipolar and its manageable, I dont want to be like her, I'm not and I've proved it" firmly.

Mickey softly smiled replying "fucking right you have" firmly. Ian looked at him replying "when we leave here in a minute I never want to come back to this place, I never want to be in the place that drove me to come here last year ever again so I'm letting go and forgetting about her" firmly. Ian looked away before looking back at Mickey adding "I feel better now, happy even, you make me happy and so does Mandy, thats all that matters to me now, I like my job too so its all good" softly.

Mickey softly smiled at Ian grabbing the back of his neck and kissing him before looking at him replying "I think I drank too much because I'm saying all this lame shit but you make me happy too, in fact I think you drag it out of me" humoredly. Ian laughed replying "you love it" humoredly. Mickey shoved Ian with his body replying "shut the fuck up" before laughing. A comfortable silence fell before Mickey got curious blurting out "so how am I free" curiously.

Mickey always felt like the his father would come back to haunt him after he was killed but Mickey found that over the last year he never really thought about his father at all since he had been so busy looking after Ian all the time. Ian silently looked at Mickey replying "you dont look stressed out anymore, there is no fear in your eyes anymore, you dont look around the room waiting for a threat to jump out or Terry to make an appearance at any minute, you know who you are and you dont give a shit anymore, youre not afraid to be who you are" firmly.

Mickey bit his lip and looked down at his feet hiding the blush on his face knowing Ian was right blurting out "was I always that obvious" softly. Ian shook his head replying "not to anyone else but I noticed it, when we first started all those years ago you were more cautious but since Terry was killed you are more relaxed, its nice, its all I ever wanted for you, to not have to live in fear of being who you are" softly.

Mickey looked up at Ian shyly blurting out "you make me free, I told you that a long time ago" softly. They looked at each other silently before Ian smirked asking "want to go fuck in the dugouts for old times sake, you know a walk down memory lane and all that" humoredly. Mickey laughed shaking his head replying "why the fuck not, sounds like a great idea" firmly.

Ian stepped out of the embrace muttering "one more thing" before looking into the distance shouting "fuck you Monica" angrily. Mickey laughed before shouting "yeah fuck you Terry, hope you both rot in fucking hell with each other" angrily. A silence fell as they let the anger drain out of their bodies before Ian threw his arm over Mickey's shoulder looking at him asking "you ready" curiously.

Mickey grinned at Ian wrapping his arm around Ian's lower back pulling him close to him replying "yeah lets get the fuck out of here" softly. Ian looked at his boyfriend replying "we will be okay now, I know it" firmly and he believed it. Mickey looked up at him replying "fucking right we will, dont need anyone else right, just us" firmly. Ian kissed the top of Mickey head replying "right" firmly as they walked away from the bridge and towards the dugouts.

Ian knew things could get bad again but he knew he would be able to handle it just once he had the only person that mattered in his life and he was grateful that Mickey never left him when it got bad. Ian never felt as happy as he did right now in a long time and neither did Mickey and they both knew the other felt the same way but Ian was determined to hold onto that feeling for as long as he could because he had one thing to live for in his life and didnt want to leave him behind.

As they silently walked down the street Ian kept looking over at his boyfriend and he realized he no longer felt like he wanted to die, he actually thought he might be okay. He was about to look away when Mickey looked over at him softly laughing asking "the fuck you looking at" curiously. Ian softly laughed shaking his head not even wanting to deny it replying "just you" not looking away as they walked down the street.

Mickey rolled his eyes knowing Ian was looking at him and pulled Ian closer to him trying to hide the blush on his face replying "youre an idiot" softly as they got to their destination. Ian laughed kissing the top of Mickey head knowing he just embarrased Mickey but he didnt care at all and he smiled to himself knowing that both of them knew they were much stronger now.

They had been through so much shit and it didnt break them and they knew they could handle anything in the future because they had each other and it was all that mattered and everyone else could fuck off.  Ian just wanted to live and he knew he could do it as long as he had Mickey in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter unfortunately, thought about adding some more but I liked that story the way I have finished it, its what I planned and I think if I add more for the sake of it then it will feel forced. My plan for this story was to show that it does get easier, it takes a while to get from that place where you want to end it all to another place where you think you just might be okay. This story was never meant to end in a sunshine and roses way, it was just Ian getting to a place where he felt okay and didn't want to die anymore and I hope I showed that in this story. 
> 
> Also thank you for reading it and commenting and giving it kudos and even just reading it, I really appreciate it and it makes me happy to know people enjoyed it too.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked it. Sorry if it was really sad.


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